Angst and Aging

Angst:  feelings of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity about the future. Teens and angst fit together. Teenage angst, it’s real and we all felt it even if we didn’t name it.  Still I might tell my teenage self that it’s a bit of drama and over indulgence when you’ve likely got  50 years of  future to figure it out!  I think my angst is multiplied by the limited number of years I have left to begin to make sense of this thing called life and my humanity. Urgency and angst are not good for each other. Each magnifies the other.. 

I don’t court angst, but sometimes it does sneak up on me. How much time do I have left? What do I want? What if I can’t accomplish my dreams. So there it is—urgency and angst. How do I cool this anxiety and fear? There really is  some positive awareness or even wisdom that often comes with age.  I think I have some glimmers of this wisdom.  I believe life is meant to be lived joyfully. Are we having fun yet? If at 70, my answer is “ No” then I’m not doing it right. Curiosity is a virtue and a blessing to me. “I wonder if I would like that. Let’s check that out”  I might like it or hate it, or be not interested. Sure I’ll go to the Dog Hawaii print shirt contest,  with or without my dogs, who probably would think getting dressed up was  animal abuse. I’ll checkout that poetry workshop and open mic poetry reading and get inspired. Time to restart my guitar lessons. It’s a challenge and I know it will bring me joy to be able to play some of my favorite songs. I don’t want to die “with the music in me!”. Who would have thought storytelling would bring me such joy?  My writing, storytelling and poetry might bring enjoyment to others besides me, and that’s an “angst buster” for sure .

I’ve learned that I can be self-aware, but not self-absorbed. The more I think about what I want to create and share, the less time I have to obsess about my mortality. When I have an idea I imagine what the end result might be and how I would do it. At that moment I’m not ruminating on the “meaning” of life.  I’m curious and my imagination is in overdrive which is  another “angst buster”!  Enthusiasm that comes from genuine interest and commitment is energizing. It turns out that some of the things I thought I would like, I don’t, and I may even suck at some things, even those things I like. Skill is not always a requirement for fun, sometimes the fun is in my total ineptitude. Doing something badly can be so liberating. 

Where is my focus? I’m not cross-eyed anymore. What about my neighbor—next door and the other side of the world. I’ve lived long enough to truly comprehend what the poet John Dunne wrote, “Never ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.”  I am “of” this world, not apart from it. I’m not a missionary in a foreign country, but I can choose to act for the greater good.  I try not to pollute the world with my own onerous and angry verbal emissions.  I can recycle, buy used, and contribute to causes I believe in. I can stand and hold a sign in protest of lies and cruelty. It matters. I matter. Knowing I matter is another “angst buster.”

I think I am much better equipped to deal with angst than a teenager. Maybe urgency and angst together is exactly the catalyst that I need. Meanwhile I’m having fun. Are you?