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A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #13

a wrinkle

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”

If I am given the opportunity to gamble I will. Not the big stakes like craps or poker,  but I can play slots and sit in front of machines for hours trying to win my 20 bucks back.  I move on and the next person on that machine gets the jackpot! I don’t consider myself lucky and I can resent other people’s good “luck”.  As I get older, I  take stock of my life and sometimes I don’t see that  Lady Luck  has smiled on me. My default is believing when others win I lose. There is only so much luck and good outcomes available and I don’t have a seat at the table. Not a very flattering tell on myself. I too frequently operate from self-pity and resentment, and I suspect I may also have some projection going on! My Mom often said, “ Where there’s a will there’s a way.”, but I know that’s not always true when what we call “dumb luck” operates. When something is attributed to dumb luck, it means that “it happened completely by chance without being expected, planned, or deserved.” I get hung up on the “completely by chance” and “deserved” aspect.  I know I deserve it!  No matter how hard I work and plan, dumb luck can’t be ruled out. The randomness of life can not be willed away. This scares me and angers me. Dumb luck?  

a wonder 

Can I create my own luck? As Seneca said “ Luck is a matter of preparation.” This is true in a small way because if I don’t play and participate in the game, then I will not win the game.. How can I be in the right place at the right time if I never leave my house? The thing about luck though is it is all about by chance and randomness and that is not music to my control freak ears! Sometimes on my morning runs I would entertain myself with the fantasy that I won a million dollars in the lottery and how I would spend it. Nice fantasy,  but I didn’t quit my job.  So in most ways I am powerless over making my own luck.  if this is true, and I believe it is,  I really have only 2 choices: accept it or continue to  fight a reality I can not change. The later  guarantees failure, pain and resentment. Tallying others good luck is an exercise in resentment. I also remind myself that not getting  what I want can sometimes  be a very lucky thing if it was not good for me in the long run.  Luck  can be  hard to understand . Ironically telling someone to “ Break a leg” means you are actually wishing them good luck. I’ll just say “ Good luck.”

The forecast for tonight- dark. George Carlin

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #12

a wrinkle

Extreme weather is the norm.  “Baby it’s cold (Windchill  -40)  outside.”  or “You could fry an egg on the blacktop.” And surprise! Let’s get rid of staff and agencies that help to predict the weather and issue weather warnings, because they are a “waste” of money. Would someone please explain to Trump what global warming means? Never mind, he’s low I.Q..  My anxiety magnet, you know the anxiety that can hover around the edges of life, is activated by bad weather.  I’m no longer that little girl who hopes for snow days so I can stay home from school and look forward to building snow forts and snowmen. When it was too hot, I stayed in the shade or splashed in water. I don’t have to worry about digging out to go to work anymore, but cabin fever is a real condition. It’s the difference  between being warm and cozy, and just being stuck inside. I don’t like being stuck anywhere. What if I need help or I can’t get out or no one can get to me? I live alone and I feel more vulnerable the older I get. The “what ifs’ increase exponentially. What if my air conditioner breaks down and I can’t afford to get a new one? What if high winds, temperatures and drought converge to cause raging urban fires. What if I slip on the ice and am injured? I know I can’t control the weather, but I don’t want the weather to control me. It’s a battle I can’t win. Yes, I have hired someone to shovel my driveway and mow my yard, and he’s great, but I have to depend on someone else. In short, bad weather can create a crisis and I don’t need more crisis as I navigate this stage of my life. And guess what? I have to accept the weather, good and bad.  I can’t change it. When I  resist and rage at the weather,  I am the only one who suffers. My attitude has got to change, and I struggle with that because fear can cement my bad attitude.

a wonder

I live in beautiful Colorado with almost 300 days of sunshine a year. This is part of the reason I live here, a geographic “cure”.  Even with the relatively mild weather, at least compared to Iowa, we still have snow, high winds, floods and dangerous heat, and on top of that we have high wildfire danger. I can and do  take steps to plan for and mitigate threats caused by extreme weather.  At the same time I have worked on creating a backyard haven where I can enjoy the good weather comfortably and safely. The table, chairs and umbrellas on my deck and patio protect me from the hot sun. My landscaping is always a work in progress. I work with the weather and climate and xeriscape my yard so I don’t need to water much at all.  I think I do what I can do, but I still struggle with feeling vulnerable. It’s a fact that the the weather is getting worse because of climate change, so sticking my head in the sand is not helpful. I search for a balance between a pragmatic response to climate change and a “The sky is is falling.” approach, but I do  believe we are closer to a climate catastrophe. I always come back to how important having a support system and being a member of a community is pivotal to my mental health and personal safety. I wrote last week about the value of good neighbors. I can ask for help and support. Whatever fears I have, including those about bad weather, can be shared and validated. I don’t need to hide my vulnerabilities, and we can support each other with the  practicalities of dealing with bad weather. If you see me singing and dancing in the rain or ambushing my neighbors with snowballs from my  snow fort, I could be making friends with the weather. Or a little crazy!

a Wrinkle 

I’m not Mr. Rogers, but several of my neighbors have decided they don’t want to be my neighbors any more.  U-Haul trucks and cardboard boxes are plentiful on my street. I’ve stayed for over 30 years and my neighbors come and go. I’m feeling kinda blue and not sure I have the words to explain myself. The view out my kitchen window is changing again, different people, cars, dogs etc. Of course I really miss my doggie neighbors when they leave. I have waves of sadness seeing empty yards formerly occupied by my canine friends.   I witness these changes and wonder if I’m just the nosy old lady in the neighborhood. Not a flattering look for me. I’ve had several people on my block tell me they see me walking my dogs everyday and they take comfort in the regularity and routine of seeing me. Wow. I’m an inspiration and I didn’t know it. On bad days I think this is what’s left for me as others leave and go on with their glorious  lives!  A big move for people my age is into assisted living. I think for me it’s all about being left behind and feeling invisible. The grass may not be greener in the next yard, but at least those who move out have the chance to see a different yard. Young people are mobile as they become adults, as school and work may keep them on the move. And then there are those awful neighbors that have made my life more difficult (a living hell) at times. It also pains me to know that there really is little I can do to remedy the “bad neighbor” situation. The police and many HOA boards refuse to get involved until someone is physically hurt or property destroyed. Too little, too late. 

I’ve experienced “good” neighbors being driven out of the neighborhood by intolerable neighbors. In spite of these risky situations, I still want the opportunity to be part of a neighborhood community.

a Wonder

I  think that feeling sad when my neighbors move away is a good sign that I made a connection, and our lives intersected in some meaningful way. I’ve  helped  them and they so generously have helped me. Saying hello and chatting with my neighbors is an important anchor for me. I’ve enjoyed having young adults and young families as my neighbors. It reminds me that there  are hopeful beginnings. I don’t want to be just the old lady next door. The kids next door have addressed me by name,“Hi Danita!”, ever since they were toddlers. It feels good to not be addressed as  “Hey Lady”.When a snowstorm buries us, shoveling out almost becomes a party as we all venture out of our houses. When the HOA board is being  an asshole we can band together to commiserate . A few neighbors have brought me joy because they have left! Even in these circumstances I’ve felt a sense of unity with my neighbors who suffer with me . As I stand at  my kitchen sink,  the view from my window is a kaleidoscope  of life. Kids are playing, dogs are being walked,  neighbors are saying hello as they get into their cars to head to work and  U-Haul trucks are being loaded almost ready to leave the neighborhood. I wonder if Joe found a new job, or how Mari feels after getting thru COVID. I tell those who are moving out good luck. When the neighbors who have become my friends leave I cry and am grateful they were in my life. I stay and soon I will welcome new neighbors who will, I hope,  bring joy to my days.  I remember: “I don’t need a mansion if I have good neighbors.”

a wrinkle

This is my State of the Union Address. Trauma. Everyday, all day. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( PTSD) so for me this is no exaggeration or hyperbole. The assault is relentless and constant. Trump and his MAGA minions are doing or saying threatening, hateful and cruel things every hour of everyday. There are so many distressing things going on in our country, politically, fiscally, socially and within our world alliances, so there is much fodder for trauma and outrage. I can’t seem to ignore the siege of Minneapolis and the death of Renee Gold.   What if it is really as bad as I think it is?  My body and mind are responding the same way I responded to traumas I’ve experienced in the past. So I think  this is easy to address: stop watching or reading any media and live under a rock in complete isolation. That should work. I know there are other alternatives, but I am having a difficult time figuring out how to navigate from living in total denial to being triggered with no relief. I am a person who wants to know what is going on, who wants to be informed. I am intensely curious. And because I suffer from PTSD,  I tend to be  hyper-vigilant, scanning my environment for threats and danger. “Danger, danger Will Robinson”, for those of us old enough to remember. In short, what a perfect political environment to feed my fears and offer no reprieve.   I know I’m not the only person who shares my fears, perhaps I am not overreacting, but maybe I should just shut up, develop an attitude of who cares and learn to unsee what I see. It can’t get any worse can it? Don’t answer that!

a wonder 

Trauma is cumulative. What is going on now? What’s the trouble? Can’t relax because everything is coming at me at once with  no time to rest and restore myself . My hope is my coping skills are cumulative too. I can add on to what works to help me respond to trauma in a better way.  I can draw on what I have learned from past traumas. I am talking about resilience; which is the ability to become healthy, strong and successful after trauma.  I get up one more time than I fall down. I rest when I need to and find comfort and nurture where it is. I limit my social media/ news media time and stop watching or following a couple of hours before bed time. It’s the stuff of insomnia and nightmares. I read a lot of fiction and escape into stories. When I am feeling particularly powerless I try to find one small thing I can do, like writing this post, or making a sign to use at the protest I am going to. I hit the streets to peacefully take action  and raise my voice with my fellow resisters. When the news is particularly dire, I cry. And sometimes nothing seems to work and I have to tell myself to just hang on. It may not be pretty,  but I will get through this and this too shall pass. My rage is the emotion that can consume me. Hate can and does sneak in if I’m not careful. It is so seductive! In the meantime, I could learn some new swear words, and  spend  time on Zillow looking for a cozy little home under a rock with no WiFi, T.V.or phone service….

A WRINKLE and a WONDER a Week #9

a Wrinkle

“Sorry I’m late, I lost track of time.” We all remember when we’ve looked at the clock and thought, “I can’t believe it’s that’s time already!” Getting older has really put the concept of time front and center in my life, especially thinking about how much time I have left and how much time I’ve wasted! Everyday I think I just need some more time, and then I can hear the Universe laughing at me. How I am spending my time determines how joyful and meaningful my life is. Whining and complaining are a waste of my limited time. Doing things I don’t want to do, but think I should do —another waste of time. People pleasing and trying to be perfect -you guessed it, another waste of time. Yet, I’m guilty of choosing any or all  of these options much too often. Some things simply require a certain amount of time. I have to wait 15 minutes for my Covid rapid test results.  Baking something for too short a time makes for inedible food. Self checkout is quicker, but I still have to wait for a scanner to be free. I spend a lot of time waiting. “I had a great time waiting today.” said no one ever.  All of us have to spend some time doing things we don’t want to do in order to keep our lives going smoothly: cleaning house, putting gas in our cars, buying diapers and groceries, getting our bills paid, getting colonoscopies, etc…. Unless we can pay someone to do those things for us, but there’s still the colonoscopy we have to do for ourselves. I make time for preventative health exams in hopes I’ll earn more time for my total  life span. Can I really save time or take time?  It seems the only thing about time that I can control is how I decide to use it. Time has speeded up and the years pass so quickly now. I could barely wait for Santa Claus, it was such a  long time to wait, but now I worry that I’m not paying attention to all the wonderful moments that present to me.  Too soon it will be “Time’s up!”

a Wonder

Death comes for everyone. As I experience the loss of family members and friends I am reminded my time is finite. I’m not immortal and I’m not sure I really want to be. Can I make a bargain with time?  Time makes no deals, with anyone. When it’s time it’s time. I need to  hold the fragility of life in my mind, while choosing how I spend my days. I can’t make more time, but I can make better time. Spending time on B when I really want to spend more time on A is my choice. I can’t do 2 things at once. As Red says in “Shawshank Redemption”, “You’re either busy livin’ or busy dyin’.” And I remind myself that this life is not a rehearsal,  it’s opening night and closing night rolled into one, and it’s all improv!  When I’m reading, writing  and crafting I tend to get so focused that I’m not paying attention to time passing, but I think this is the opposite of wasting time.  I’m using up time, but I’m also nourishing myself, filling myself up. I want more of life in my days no matter how many days I have left. I’ve learned a few things about time management even if it’s more like time manages me.  I try to avoid calling any medical or business office on Mondays, unless I want to live my life “on hold “ or “on speaker”. I  have more flexibility as a retired person, so often I can avoid the busy times or  put myself on wait lists for openings.  Mastering online business or portals really does speed things up. Keep it simple, less clutter, less stuff to pay attention to and waste time on. If I have to wait for something I read or walk around. If there’s a quicker and easier way to get something done, I want to know about it. I have my connections with helpful people who I know I can trust. Knowing who to talk to saves a lot of time. Please don’t make me tell my story again! I’ll count myself lucky, if when I get to the pearly gates, I get to tell St.Peter, “Sorry I’m late, I lost track of time.”

 a Wrinkle

It’s that time of the New Year. All of the health clubs will be be crowded with new faces all determined to lose weight and get in shape—their New Year’s resolutions for 2026. Past experience tells me the crowd will thin out, generally within a few weeks, and New Year’s resolutions will be abandoned. I may have been one of those faces. How and why do people actually change? One thing for sure is I can’t change anyone else, although I’ve never stopped trying. Yes, the buck stops with me! Does anyone have change for a buck? Anyway this whole idea of deciding to make a positive change and actually doing it is a mystery to me. I stopped smoking many years ago and I still don’t really understand how I did that! My Mother always said “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I still hate to hear that because willpower is not easy to get and whatever it is I have so little of it, but I know my Mom was right. I’ve had so many years to cement bad habits, settle into comfortable inertia, and I fall asleep at 9 which doesn’t give me much time! My “default” settings are hard-wired and I’m guilty of thinking “This is just who I am”. In spite of all these concerns, there are still changes I want to make and goals I want to meet. I’m still here so there’s more to come! If one of my goals is to practice more self-acceptance that requires a change in my thinking and attitudes which may be the hardest of any changes to make. Most days I’m pretty optimistic, but some days I’m just tired!

a Wonder

So is it harder for older people to change? What does AI say? ChatGPT tells me “Short answer: yes, its usually harder-but very much still possible.” Who am I to argue with artificial intelligence? As an older adult I have certain advantages that young people lack when it comes to making the changes I desire. There’s always my, “Been there, done that.”, experiences which hopefully have taught me at least what does not work in changing myself. Giving myself permission to smoke according to a schedule never worked to make me a non-smoker, it had to be cold turkey. Rewarding myself with the poison I’m trying to banish from may life has never worked for me.  I don’t “reward” myself with booze or sugar. I know I have to start with small changes and consider slow progress a success. When I started running it was a block, then 5 blocks and so on- up to miles. I don’t believe in “whipping” myself into shape or anything else. I think the biggest difference in making changes in my life ,from my younger years to now, is my motivation for doing so.  I’m not trying to “stake my claim” in the world any longer. Success is something different now. I’m not trying to win, I’m trying to matter. I want to actively increase my participation  in  social, cultural and political arenas where I believe I can make a difference and be a part of the community. This is what I resolve for the new year:  Show up, practice gratitude and cherish family and friends everyday!  And of course lose 10 pounds, and learn how to do a back flip…

Possibilities aren’t endless, but the odds are pretty good this year will be better than 2025…. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2026!

a WRINKLE a Week #7   

Yes Danita, there is no Santa Claus. No how, no way. Bah Humbug!  Grown-ups are such downers. Magic, fantasy, and wonder are for kids, not old people. I just want to skip Christmas and the forced gaiety.  I just set myself up for disappointment when the Norman Rockwell christmas I envision doesn’t happen. It never has!   A Martha Stewart christmas makes me tired just reading about it. Would my younger friends call Martha an influencer? Christmas cookies make me fat, eggnog does too. Reality is as irresistible as a club, but it’s the only story in town. I don’t drink anymore,  but several drinks of Baileys or hot buttered rum sounds better and better as each year comes around. “He knows when you’re naughty or nice.” I always choose naughty over nice and besides the old fart sounds like a stalker. And what about the  little creatures called elves? Elves are kinda cute, but their eyes are dead and evil and I don’t want one on my shelf!  If Santa (who does not exist) got stuck in my chimney I could die from carbon dioxide poisoning  because my  fireplace does not vent. Trump, our souless ,evil, dear leader said he is bringing back Christmas; this from a Scrooge, a grinch, a bad Santa, the anti-Christ and Satan . Our country is so sad and beaten down. What’s so “merry” about this Christmas?

a WONDER a week #7

What about the little girl inside of me who KNOWS there is a Santa Claus?Can I find the Spirit  of Christmas within me  if I can soften my heart? I  remember Christmas at the bookstore where I worked for many years. If I didn’t focus on my tired feet, there were many moments when I put the book my customer wanted in their hands and I got a big thank you and all was well. There was always the children’s book section and Santa bear to cheer me up. These memories can sustain me in the present day when my Christmas spirit wanes, I’ve found I can enjoy the elements of Christmas I love and let the rest go. I can enjoy the work that others do, the lights and decorating and baking. For me, I cherish all the Christmas lights that I believe can banish the darkness in our world. When I turn on the Christmas lights on my little trees, the lights soothe and comfort me. I love to cuddle with my doggies and feel the peace. Its not a flashy frantic “Everything, Everywhere, All At Once” kind of Christmas,  but it’s real. I  don’t need to believe in Santa to believe in the peace and joy of Chrismas.

a WRINKLE a week

Money doesn’t grow on trees. I have confirmed this. What a  “wrinkle” this is! From car loans to student loans to credit card balances, I’ve always paid my debts. Unfortunately, my debts lately are for decidedly unglamorous things; think dental work, hearing aids, glasses and physical therapy. I pay someone to mow my lawn and shovel my snow cause I have a major case of “Old”. I’ve learned money doesn’t s-t-r-e-t-c-h to cover whatever new expenses I may have, in fact, my emergency funds are shrinking. Social security is anything but. My anxiety about money has only increased under our incompetent, corrupt and crazy President. About 70% of the wealth in the US is concentrated in the top 10% percent. I’m in the other 90%. Follow the money! I hate feeling this helpless. Will I run out of money before I run out of life? Medical care and prescription drugs are necessities and all of these are costing me more now. What comes in has to be equal to or more than what goes out. I cut it very close some months. It feels like quicksand.

a WONDER a week

Obviously the more money I have the more things I can buy, but I’m getting tired of organizing stuff. I’ve figured out that less stuff means I spend less time organizing and more time having fun. Keep it simple is my new mantra and this keeps more money in my pocket. “A penny saved is a penny earned. “, but pennies are not even being minted anymore so this cliche is dead. I invest my money, cross my fingers and pay attention. I’m proactive and have a “money” guy who helps me manage my money. My friend and I have a unique money exchange!  Money rarely passes between us because our debts with each are often paid in “coffees”, i.e that item will cost me the 2 coffees I need to purchase for you. Sometimes we lose track, but overall it works for us. It feels better for us to be on the coffee exchange.  You’ll see me in thrift stores and rarely at the malls.  Used is ok with me and I have a lot of fun creating a “ new” treasure. I’m used and I’m a treasure  I create every day. Sometimes I can’t get that thing Ihave to have and that hurts, but having enough money to get what I need is priority. And I have to  replace my fence which blew down last night. At least my money tree survived the wind storm….

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #5

a WRINKLE a week

Act your age! This is what we say to children when they are  acting up in some way that we view as troublesome or silly and not age appropriate. We expect they can do better. We may not verbalize it, but we also expect our olders ( my preferred term) to act their age. What does that mean? There is my belly button age, and then there is -how I act, how I feel, how I look and how I think. I may think my “age” is solely determined by the calendar, but lots of people will tell me how “old”I am. Cultural expectations and ageism are strong currents to swim against. And, sometimes too old is too old!  Trump is too old to be president and I’m too old to become a prima ballerina. That’s not ageism, that’s reality. Research from Harvard  found that those who hold negative beliefs about their aging, die sooner, by as much as seven years!. What I think about my own aging can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. “ I think I’m old, therefore I am! So act my age? What does that mean? 

a Wonder a week

I give myself a break on how I handle my aging, after all, this is my first time at this. There are some good examples and certainly some bad examples, but it is fundamentally up to me to invent it as I go along. Considering the mine field I tip toe through daily, I think I’m doing pretty well for a novice. I don’t get up every day, look in the mirror and say “Let’s do this!”, but I bet few people, young or old, do. I show up and occupy the world in my own unique way. Ageism is very insidious.Have you really thought about the “old people” jokes we hear? Here’s a Google listing:  “75 ‘Old People Jokes’ for Seniors to Laugh at and Feel Seen. Laughter is the best medicine for aging.” This sounds like a suggestion to take your “laugh” pill and you oldies won’t see that you are being laughed “at” and not “with”. “ Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.” Is this funny? I’m not laughing. Just tell me a good dirty joke instead. So I guess it’s all about my attitude and the “wonder” is I get to choose my attitude and determine what getting old means to me. The situation is in flux!

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #4

a Wrinkle a week

Delayed gratification? Have it now, why wait? It was hard to think ahead when I was young; simply impossible to imagine myself as an older woman. Even if it was labeled “May be hazardous to your health”, I just planned to  worry about the consequences later. I smoked, fried in the sun and consumed large amounts of alcohol. I took chances, made reckless choices and starved myself or binge ate. Picking the wrong men was definitely hazardous to my health. As I get older, I find that “later” was sooner than I thought! Consequences, wrinkles and a body that rebels  are piling up as I age. I thought I could “fix” myself and outrun or forget some of my past trauma. For many years, my running obsession gave legs to my intention to get healthy and not grow old. Was I running away from something or running toward something”? I’d still be running if my body allowed me to. Now I’m afraid of falling and getting up off the floor. God knows I’ve had enough therapy to last several lifetimes and I think I’m done, self-improvement be damned. So I am “worse for wear”, or am I?

a Wonder a week

We learn from our experiences right? We’ve all heard that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I’m still around and I argue that I am stronger for all my life experiences, both good and bad. Somewhere along the line I stopped smoking and drinking and started making better choices. The wonder is that I keep learning and exercising my mind and body. What I don’t know is vast, but I’m curious and love to discover my world and honor my past. I do chair yoga so I don’t have to worry about getting up from the floor! I act quickly to treat “aches and pains” and any serious health  concerns. Most importantly,  I do not subscribe to the  “Lots of people your age…” theory which I know promotes ageism and minimizes the health concerns of the olders.  Now I do look ahead, and protect and plan for mobility issues. Escaping natural consequences isn’t possible, but I don’t believe that I need to be a victim either. I do subscribe to the “Use it or lose it.” theory for both my body and mind. My good friends are my best support, keep me engaged and make me laugh. I treasure all of you.