Month: April 2022

Last Sunday we went to an excellent show,“Seussical”, at Mountain View High school in Loveland. As you can probably guess it was based on Dr. Seuss’s writing.  We couldn’t stop talking in rhymes after we left the show. What stuck with me was  “The thinks you can think”.    I know how powerful my thoughts are, and how they create my world, but this simple saying brought it home to me in a way I  can really understand and use. Lately, my problem is I can’t seem to put 2 “thinks” together to form a meaningful thought. I jump from thought to thought, and these fragments of thoughts don’t provide any clarity for me, or worse leave me anxious and unsettled. The “thinks” I can think..stink.

In my younger days I believed that my thoughts were always true, and my thoughts were lots more negative than they are now. I thought my way into lots of sad feelings and feelings of low self-esteem.  It took many years for me to begin to see that my “thinks” determined how I felt about something and how I made choices. It seems simple to me now, but it is not easy to remember this with my thinking cap on. Perception is what’s it’s all about. For example, when I was a kid I loved snow days, no school and all day to play, but as an adult I think about shoveling, slippery streets and cabin fever.  My childhood “thinks” and my adult “thinks” are ages apart, but I hope I still have some innocence left. I can choose to count my gratitudes or my troubles. What I focus on becomes stronger, so I need to use my “thinks” to help me feel better.

I discovered my Imagination and creativity once I left behind some of my negative thoughts. I could imagine how painting a piece of junk might become a treasure with some paint and restyling. I could imagine how to do a new crochet stitch in my head. This is creativity: the “thinks” that help me imagine what could be. Without imagination there is no creativity.  I have room to imagine positive things when I jettison negative thoughts. People sometimes make career choices by imaging how they would feel, for instance, as a doctor or teacher. If I cant imagine something, how will I allow myself to experience it? So “thinks”can create or negate. How powerful our thoughts are!

“We’re not paying you to think.”  The Management.  We all know what this means!  This is ass- backwards of course, we know problem solving is an invaluable skill. Too much thinking by employees can threaten the status quo and create fear in those who are invested in keeping things the same. For better or worse, changing my thinking changes everything.  I did have good ideas at work, but I was discouraged from sharing them. Now that I am retired, I can spend as much time as I want thinking about whatever I want.  My time and ‘thinks”are mine.

When I talk to myself in my head I watch my language. I realized that I was often telling myself I was “stupid”, which certainly didn’t promote positive self-esteem. Now I say “I did the best I could.’ or “That was silly.” Changing just this one “think” has helped me feel better about myself.   How many more “thinks” can I change to add more joy to my life? The number of possible “thinks” is infinite. Just think about that!

“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you.

Dr. Seuss 

The best known war board-game is  “Risk”, where players take turns and use strategy to attain “world domination and conquer all enemies.” The objective is to conquer all the territories of the world by eliminating opposing players.  Sounds like fun right? I have 5 tanks and 3 battleships, what do you have?  Of course, there are rules and no civilians  to bomb, murder or rape.

 The latest war game is the Ukrainian/Russian war. There are lots of daily discussions on the news channels about strategy, weapons and military equipment.  Where are the troops moving and what cities are under siege? As we sit in our safe homes we can imagine the moves being made and decide who won the war for the day. We need to warn you that what you are about to see is very disturbing…  we can be so removed from the suffering of our fellow human beings. We can do blue and yellow flags and sunflowers, but we can’t stop the carnage and genocide happening every day in Ukraine. We can’t even pretend we aren’t aware of what is happening.The Russians have made a good move—they have trapped Ukrainian soldiers and civilians sheltering in a steel plant in Mariupol,    Ukraine. They will not allow aid in or evacuation of the civilians. The Alamo in Ukraine.  Likely most of the soldiers and the civilians will die at the hands of the Russian soldiers, and the world will be outraged, but we will never forget and it will never happen again.  We were outraged at Columbine 23 years ago today (4/20), but we need to be reminded of this tragedy now lost in a sea of school shootings since then. We will forget, and it will happen again.

And then we have the “Culture” wars. My sister asks if humans are still evolving or are we now devolving? Devolve: degenerate, or deteriorate. We may be taller, bigger and stronger than our ancestors, but I think our emotional and intellectual reasoning is devolving. What do we experience in the emotional sphere? We can choose what to allow into our awareness, and we can always deny and lie about what we see and feel. I am a liberal who likes Disney characters, and a not insignificant number of ultra-conservative MAGAS  likely believe I am a pedophile who wants to run through kindergarten rooms yelling “Gay, trans, Gay.”, and spends an inordinate amount of time “grooming” myself i.e. brushing my teeth,  washing my face, and combing my hair. Is this even rational? It is the world according to Q!  Just throw out stink bombs and see who says they smell like roses or vice versa.  Are we losing our reasoning abilities and our thinking skills? Have we lost our minds and our humanity? We are delusional, living our lives on multiple battlefields—and we are losing. We can not allow hate to win.

I say to my friend on the treadmill beside me,“Hey Im doing pretty good on the treadmill today, over 2 miles and  212 calories burned.” And then it happens!  Miss perfect young body gets on the treadmill next to me and cranks it up to highest incline, and some ungodly high mph number, and works on some sort of puzzle on her Kindle,  all without audibly panting as she sails along. I now feel deflated and decidedly less impressed with myself. The trap of comparison in action. I can do this,  but someone else can do it better, or their house or car is much nicer than mine; or the reverse, I am so much better than someone else at A,B and C, or my car is a lot nicer. Doesn’t really matter which way the comparison turns out, either way my experience is reduced to better than, or less than.  Comparison is a trap and a thief. Constant judgement steals the now. So why on earth is it so hard for me to let go of comparing myself to others?

We humans like to measure things. We start by asking our child “ How much does Mommy love you?” and we spread our hands wide and say “This much.”  We are taught more is better.  We “Keep up with the Joneses”, trying to prove that we are as good as other people by getting what they have and doing what they do, even when we can’t afford to.We cringe at the saying ‘He who has the most toys wins.”, because we know we believe this on some level. I ask myself “How am I doing?” or “How am I measuring up.” more often than I’d like to admit. The problem is I become an observer of my own life rather than living and experiencing my life. I’m afraid I won’t be successful if I stop comparing myself to others, and my safety and well being depend on knowing how others are doing. Lately I’m beginning to think the opposite may be true, and it is the comparison that keeps me from success, safety and well being. 

As I age I get to compare how much older or younger I am than someone else. If I were only measuring years, and not trying to define myself by my age, that would be one thing, but I slip into “younger is better” in a heartbeat if I don’t pay attention. We tell some people they don’t look their age and that’s seen as a positive, but what about those of us who look our age?  Does it matter? Perhaps it matters only in the world of on-line dating! Am I a winner or a loser? What if I just don’t care?

“Comparison is the thief of joy .” Theodore Roosevelt

“Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it is their time.”

The answer to my question, ”Can you help?”, was always ”Yes” and I feel so blessed. Yes I received all the help I needed from family, friends, neighbors and nurses and doctors too. When I feel down cause healing is so slow, I just tell myself to pay attention and be grateful for all the goodness in my life.

There was soup of course, but nobody makes Chicken Tortilla soup like my neighbor Amanda. I got to ride in the passenger seat while wonderful people drove me to wherever I needed to go. My sister Ann spent the night after surgery with me and I felt safe and cared for. Crosswords were done and laughter shared. Susan came to visit and helped me laugh. Tyler did his best to be the best son in the world and he suceeded. My sisters sent care packages and cards, and lots of love across the miles. Friends checked in and wished me well.

My right hand has a name and it is Missey! She washed my hair, put my watch on, helped me get dressed and took me to all my appointments and asked all the questions I forgot to ask. I can’t list all the things she has done for me because I will forget something and feel bad I left it out. Most important of all she listened to my frustrations and whining. Thank you Missey.

Thank you just seems like not enough, but I am so grateful to all who answered ”Yes.” and helped me. And thanks to Roscoe and Molly who let themselves be walked by volunteers and were always ready to snuggle.

Can you help me ..open this, tie this, cut this, open the door, get my shirt on, wash my hair,  drive me, get my pain pills?? The last few weeks have been a big lesson in humility and acceptance as I had  surgery on my right hand and essentially became a left handed and clumsy woman. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would, and despite my vow to not use pain pills I soon realized this was not a good idea.  It was harder to do almost everything except sit and whine. I really thought I was prepared to “deal” with the surgery and the aftermath, but obviously I was not. It’s  4 weeks out from surgery and I am writing again. I’m typing mostly with just one hand, but I did drive myself to my coffee shop office today. I’m muddling thru.

Two things come to mind for me: This too shall pass. and, Pride comes before the fall. I’ve always hated the expression:  This too shall pass. because I thought it meant sooner or later, mostly later, this shit and pain will pass.  I have no control over this and am at the mercy of the universe.  Now I realize the saying is value neutral, everything good or bad will pass!  With each breath I take the “now” changes as I inhale and exhale . It’s the nature of time,  moving forward and  being spent. Simply, the human condition is temporary. Pain will pass and joy will pass and all humans will pass. I will be able to use my hand soon so it won’t always be this way. Another reminder to me to watch how I use “always” and “never”, and not to use them to awfulize , because this too shall pass.

The other thought that comes to mind for me is  “Pride comes before the fall.”, which suggests if a person is too arrogant, he or she will make a mistake or fail in a big way My arrogance, which says “I shouldn’t  have to experience pain.”and “I will handle my surgery better than any person ever has.” has led to a big fall. Let’s just say I got knocked on my ass, and my surgery and recovery has not been a flawless perfect experience. To me, the worse combination of personality characteristics in all of humanity is stupidity and arrogance. To be stupid or arrogant is bad enough, but to be stupid and arrogant is close to a fatal flaw. To the best of my ability I will admit what I do not know, and remember that being “right” pales in comparison to being kind.

I will feel different tomorrow and it could be good or bad, but it will not be so for eternity. I will have pain and I will have joy, and I am just one member of human kind.

Pride should never stand in the way of facing the truth.

                                         Charles Glassman