Month: February 2024

Remember those maps that say “You are here.”  This helps us get oriented, shows us where we are in context, so we can understand how the map is laid out. I’m that dot who can move this way or that way on the map. I’m just a dot and I feel lonely sometimes. This is hard for me to admit. Aren’t I too busy, involved or social to be lonely?  Weird people are lonely because they are unlikeable, nobody likes them.  People Iike me, right ? Right? It seems “ Home Alone” is  just a funny movie and a fun time for the main character, Kevin. Who has the time to miss family or feel lonely when  you are staying in deluxe hotel suites and fighting off bumbling burglars? Or can home alone carry some risks.? Even Kevin isn’t immune to loneliness.

According to the Surgeon General, America is experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. This is a health and social crisis not unlike the COVID Pandemic. In January, 2018, the U.K. named a Minister of Loneliness. It is unlikely the U.S.will create a cabinet post, Secretary of Loneliness, but the research from both countries shows that loneliness is a pervasive and costly social problem. I know it hurts to be lonely. As I have gotten older, and the U.S.population over 65 continues to increase, I’ve been thinking more about what is loneliness is. I’ve experienced my own health crisis recently and I became more isolated than usual. I  got up close and personal with loneliness and it is not my friend.  Social distancing makes sense in a pandemic, but not in everyday life. I need a hug and a handshake. A text or an email does not have skin on it. I need other humans around to help me remember what being human means. 

So and so is still living on her own at 90, isn’t that great? Maybe.  I don’t want a medal for living alone! My husband died and I am fortunate that I own my home and am able to care for myself. I also know that I am better mentally and physically if I am able to get out of the house every day and be with others. Too many sick days or snow days take their toll on my emotional well-being. Social isolation can be caused by where I and other seniors choose to live.  A majority of seniors want to stay in their homes as long as possible, but there is a risk to staying in our homes: social isolation.  When spouses , partners or long term friends pass away, staying in the home alone can be a liability. According to the experts, seniors who have the highest levels of loneliness and isolation more than double their odds of dying within six years. It turns out that loneliness can kill you. The health risks with experiencing chronic loneliness are equivalent to the risks of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is hazardous to your health.

I worry about solitary confinement on Main Street America. There has to be alternatives to single family homes for seniors or massive golden cages of Senior living and retirement villages. Apartment living, with buildings A to Z,  separated from the rest of society, is a recipe for loneliness. Loneliness is not only an affliction for seniors, it affects people in all age groups. I guess I’m saying we need to mix it up more in our housing choices and be more deliberate about addressing the human need to be with others of all ages. I don’t want to be totally independent,I want to be inter-dependent. I am able to recognize my own feelings of loneliness and admit I feel some shame about talking about it. The first step for addressing the loneliness epidemic is for our society to become aware of the problem. The surgeon General has just begun the dialogue about the prevalence of  loneliness. We need to keep talking about it, research it and develop and execute plans to bring people together.

I’m taking tiny steps to make connections with people and confront loneliness head on.  I take the time to chat with my neighbors, ask my favorite barista how they are doing, and feel good when they know my “usual”. I smile at others even when I feel like my face could crack! I believe in the adage “To have a friend, be a friend.” and I try to make this my practice. I make sure my friends know how much I treasure their friendship. I read recently that people aren’t hanging out as much. Maybe we could hang out.

I’m positive. Positive for Covid that is. I was starting to think that I was going to escape Covid after not contracting it for the 4 years it’s been out there. II took 3 tests  before I was convinced I was positive and the line showed up almost immediately on all 3. I had a couple of rough days last week, but I was prescribed Paxlovid because I’m older than dirt, so felt better quickly. This  last Wednesday I tested negative. Covid is in my rear view mirror for now. Speeding down my life path I’ve figured out that with Covid there is only before, during and after. When did I go from negative to positive and vice versa? There must be a viral tipping point and I don’t have a clue when and how it operates. I too have changed and been changed by mysterious forces and circumstances. There are no”rapid” tests to confirm whether or not I have learned what I needed to learn. Only time will tell if I have absorbed life’s lessons and will change my behavior.

There is a big difference between choosing to change and being forced to change, but being  forced to change narrows the options considerably. I prefer to set my own timeline -thank you very much! I chose to test for Covid, but I sure didn’t choose Covid. Others may choose not to test. I can’t do anything about that!  I chose to start smoking. How many times did I say “ I’m going to quit smoking.”, before I actually did?  I lost count. I really can’t explain what gave me the courage to finally stop smoking. I simply wanted to be a non- smoker more than I wanted to smoke.  I was ready, and though I  knew it would be painful, I knew it was worth it.   All my  previous attempts to quit helped me see where I had encountered speed bumps. My experiences with failing to quit smoking taught me a lot of what I needed to know to succeed at  quitting smoking. I learned why and how I failed!  “Don’t do this” was  how I got to “Do this” and becoming a non- smoker.

I learn from experience and my experience tells me that seeing how a dictionary defines a word helps me get the true meaning of a word and helps me write with understanding.

learn: to gain knowledge or skill by studying, practicing, being taught, or experiencing something b : to come to be able <learn to dance>
c : to come to realize <learned that honesty paid>

If I’m in a classroom and studying American History my teacher can give me a test to see what I have learned about this subject. If I have a good teacher and consistently  practice my guitar I can learn to play. In life, the “Been there, done that .” principle can be a very good teacher. When I have done this, or experienced that, this is what happened, and it’s likely to happen again. “But what if?” The  “But, what if?” principle Is where I have run into a lot of trouble in my life. I’ve often believed that I didn’t try hard enough, and  if I tried  “harder”, or I was different and better it would turn out differently. I didn’t learn from experience that wishful thinking  was not reality.  I failed that test many times.

Accumulating evidence and knowledge does not mean I will automatically act differently and make better decisions. Whats the tipping point ? Is it that last little bit of knowledge or experience that finally pushes me to change my behavior?  Ironically it was often when I “gave up”, that I was able to change. I made changes in my life and behavior only when I stopped trying to change others and circumstances and only focused on changing myself. Keeping an open mind and recognizing my blind spots can help me understand better, but understanding alone is not enough to make me change my behavior. The pain I know is better than the pain I might experience if I change my behavior. Pros and cons don’t mean much either. Still at some point I decide it hurts too much to stay the same. I don’t want to test positive for pain anymore.

Chico only weighed four pounds, but he was a force to be reckoned with. One misty, foggy morning my husband I were out for our daily early morning walk, and as we came around a corner in the trail we saw a little, cream colored cat walking on the trail. As we got closer we realized it was a dog, a very lonely looking, little, wet dog trudging along. He stopped, and we stopped as we eyed each other. He didn’t struggle when Roger bent over to pick him up. His tag said “Chico”, such a perfect name for a tiny chihuahua like dog. Someone had cared enough to put the tag on so we were sure someone was looking for him. After checking and asking around we saw no one who looked like Chico’s owner. Chico ended up at the Humane Society while they tried to reach his owner. I couldn’t get Chico out of my mind!  I called  the Humane Society every day asking if Chico’s owner had come to get him yet.  I just needed to know that Chico was safe again. While I was at work my husband made the daily call to check on Chico and when I got home I was surprised and so happy to find Chico in our living room. His owner had surrendered him and he was ours.  We were told Chico was probably 10 plus years old and we were determined to give him the best life possible for his remaining years. And we did. 

Chico ruled our house and Roger and I weren’t even ashamed to admit it. We could tuck him in our jackets when he got tired walking, or a big dog was threatening, but he loved to cover a lot of ground in the old stadium field. Soon Chico gained quite the following among the other dog walkers and our neighbors—he was a celebrity. A little guy with a big presence! We almost lost him when the vet discovered a large tumor in his abdominal area and we decided that we  would euthanize him if they found they could not remove the tumor. We waited and agonized, but finally heard from the vet that Chico was going to be ok. We were so relieved and realized how much Chico had stolen our hearts. Before we knew it, Chico was back to taking Roger and I for our walks and all was well in the neighborhood.

Soon he was galloping again. Yes,  Chico didn’t run like a dog, he galloped like a horse, and it was so fun to watch!  When he ran down the sidewalk our neighbors cheered him on. He watched people’s feet with his doggie radar and moved quickly, bouncing around, sidestepping and evading, just like the prize fighter he was.  Nobody stepped on Chico. His doggie bed was the size of a doll bed, but mostly he burrowed under the covers to the bottom of our bed and we had to dig him out in the morning. He was a great traveling companion and took some road trips with us. He liked to hike! I loved to give him a kiss on the top of his head so my lip gloss left him marked with my kiss. What can I say? Chico had me wrapped around his little paw.

But dogs don’t live forever and after a couple of years with us, Chico developed some heart problems. We willed him to keep on fighting, we begged for a few more years. He was tired and his heart was weak. With my lip print on his head he died peacefully in his sleep.  I missed him terribly, but I believed, and still do, that we were so blessed to find each other —it was meant to be. I’ve loved many dogs, but none as fiercely as I loved  Chico.  I cry, and I smile and laugh too, when I remember my little guy, my Chico .