Month: April 2024

There are so many reasons for me to just walk on by and ignore, dismiss, marginalize, and disparage some of my fellow Americans. I know “both sides” are guilty, and I’m still tied up in knots trying to keep my mouth shut.  I can’t make sense of it, or be tolerant, so I will just walk on by the steaming hot mess for now.  Instead, I will focus on what makes me chuckle, giggle or brings a smile to my face. It’s kind of like circling the wagons and choosing to conserve my supply of tolerance and patience for the worst, which I’m sure is yet to come . Meanwhile, Fort Collins has lots of amusing quirks to bring a smile. We are a city of migrants from places like Iowa, North Dakota and Texas who come for the lifestyle and the climate. Texans and Californians are required to file for asylum. All are invited and asked to BYOB.

BYOBB.  Bring your own bike and beer. Next time you guzzle a Fat Tire (  a Mountain bike) you are drinking one of Fort Collins finest beers. There is a brew pub on every block, so if you can’t find a beer you like you are deaf, dumb and blind. Fort Collins is on the move and staying hydrated. If beer is not your thing, think “buzz” and head to one of our million coffee shops and have a Grande Vanilla Latte, 2 %,  iced. I know of a couple of “pairs” of coffee shops and brew pubs right next door to each other. Get caffeinated so you can better lift your elbow to chug beer and not fall asleep while you are imbibing. And yes, there are plenty of pot shops too, if that is your preferred way to get a “buzz”. Folks, ( Biden talk) it’s legal in Colorado.  So BYOP!

BYOB. Bring your own bike.  There are more bike lanes in Fort Collins  than car lanes. On the bike trails, “ on your left”, does NOT mean move to your left, unless you want to be run over by a bicycle.  There are more bike lanes than car lanes in Fort Collins. In the traffic food chain, bicycles rule. I have never looked good in biking shorts, but they are a necessity if your saddle is on a bike.  We even have cops whose wheels are bicycle tires. They can get around in crowds and police partiers and protesters. Don’t mess with them!

In Fort Collins,there is another BYOB— bring your own bark- bring your dog. It’s harder to get your dog into doggie daycare than get your kid into a fancy preschool. Dog trainers and dog walkers are in demand.  It is rare to see a car on the road without a dog sitting in it or sticking their head out the window. Quite a few places allow pet dogs, but if dogs are not allowed it is  likely that a dog or 2 will be waiting outside on the sidewalk for their owner. The dogs,of course, are petted by everyone passing by. You are in the minority if you don’t have your own bark. I know more dogs in my neighborhood than I know owners. Most dogs are more likeable than nasty humans. One of my dogs, who I love dearly, is an asshole,  but he is the exception.

Trails and more trails, natural areas, parks and open space— Fort Collins is all about preserving and managing recreational areas and protecting natural areas. There are rules of the trail. Bikers are supposed to yield to hikers,  but 99% of hikers yield to bikers because they are traveling a lot faster. Everybody yields to horses and rattle snakes. Read the sign dummy! “Warning. Rattle snakes seen in the area.” Or “Trail closed due to muddy conditions.” BYOB of water. Beer is dehydrating. 

Canada geese are actually part of the City of Fort Colllins logo, and if you don’t watch where you are walking they will become part of your footwear. By the way, it is “Canada” goose and not “Canadian” goose. Since they tend to travel in large flocks and have efficient  digestive systems, the quantity of geese poop can be intimidating if one is attempting to navigate the city sidewalks. Watch your step. Canada geese are much larger than barnyard geese. A hissing Canada goose who feels you are invading their personal space is worth listening to.  The best part of our wealth of Canada geese is accommodating their pedestrian crossings. They look pretty silly jay walking single file across 4 lanes of traffic. I can hear them discussing why humans don’t fly and choose to clog the streets with gas guzzling polluting mechanical monsters. “Don’t rush me”, or “Just chill”, they say.  Even if I’m frustrated by the delay I still chuckle at the scene. So why did the Canada goose cross the road? To get a beer!

Monday was April Fools Day and the topic for storytelling this week is “Fool me once”. I have “ fool”  on my mind and a few questions.  “Why Do Fools Fall In Love? and “What Does A Fool Believe?”. Is “Chain Of Fools” really just the Hokey Pokey for grownups? Am I on “The Ship Of Fools”or am I “ The Fool On The Hill”? Are these foolish questions waiting for foolish answers? Alas, even with all my years of life experiences “Duh!” is often the best I can come up with. Fool me once, twice, three times into infinity…

So how does the dictionary define “fool”?

fool: a. a person who lacks good sense or judgement : a stupid or silly person;  b. a  harmlessly deranged person  (Is there really a deranged person who is  harmless?); c: see Danita

Would you think I was fooling you if I told you there is a Raspberry fool and a strawberry fool? No foolin’! A dessert made with cooked fruit of your choice and cream or a thick sauce  is also called a “fool”. Next April Fool’s Day, take an Oreo cookie, scrape out the filling and replace it with a big squirt of toothpaste and reassemble . Wait for a “fool” to come along and take a big bite of the cookie so you can exclaim “April Fool”! This is a whole new kind of dessert.

I applaud  Odessa, a city in Ukraine for making April Fool’s Day a holiday, hence more time to prank, and another day off is never a foolish move. Why do we like to prank or play jokes on other people. Nobody wants to admit they are the “Butt of the joke”? Does my butt look big in this joke?  Usually it is better to be the pranker than be the prankee. I’ve had 2 surprise birthday parties in my life,  and had a wonderful time at both, but some people hate surprise birthday parties.

I’m a  bit of a cynic and it seems to me that pranks or cons can be more of a “Gotcha!” moment or delivering someone their “ comeuppance”. For example, back in the day when perms were a thing, I went to a salon to get a perm. I was excited and looking forward to getting curly hair,  comeuppance was not on my radar.  What I got was a fried Afro! The hairdresser was the best friend of a woman who felt I had stolen her boyfriend.  Pretty funny to them, not so much for me. The remedy was to get my hair cut short, but my revenge was sweet because everyone loved my new short haircut.

Ironically I was fooled  big time when a group of friends and I were  listening to “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by the Who. Headphones on for me, rockin’ and singing along to the song. Everyone else was listening and singing along too…I thought. It was silent in the room and I was the only one singing along! I can only imagine how bad I sang and how stupid I sounded. Moral of the story—make sure you are not being fooled listening to “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

In the arena of love I’ve been the fool who waits for you. Nothing ambiguous with the song title “Lovefool” by the Cardigans. I  love the groups name and  can just see them in their cardigans…. These are lyrics for love songs for fools:

Love me, love me

Say that you love me

Fool me, fool me

Go on and fool me. 

Or:

You make me feel like a fool

Waiting for you

You make me feel like a fool

Waiting for you

How many romances have I had that existed only in my head? I could have written the Doobie Brothers song “What a Fool Believes” because I lived it.

Let’s just say I have a vivid imagination, the hell with reality. The more vulnerable I am, the more gullible I am. My college boyfriend stuck a bright yellow sticker on the back of my coat that said “Used”, and I walked around all day with that sticker on . A snarky frat boy kindly pointed it out to me on the bus. It took me days to finally tell said boyfriend what an asshole he was. He didn’t agree with me, but some people are just plain fools.

I love the Oscar winning movie, “The Sting”, an elaborate con set up to sting the bad guys and deliver their comeuppance. I  respect an intelligent con as long as the ending is satisfying. Leonardo DiCaprio played a shameless con artist in  “Catch Me If You Can”, based on fact.  Among other things,  he impersonated a doctor and an airline pilot. Fortunately, no one died as a result of his schemes. Outside of the movies,  to believe something that is false and full of malignant  misinformation is risky business. Conspiracy theories are nothing more than a con artist targeting fools, because he/she wants them to believe what they are told to believe. I like to think I engage my brain to evaluate information, but I also assume the best of other people. I  prefer to live that way. Giving people the benefit of the doubt means that sometimes my trust is misplaced, but positive expectations are healthier for me. 

Sooner or later you and I will be fooled again. In the meantime, would you like to go snipe hunting or cow tipping? Come on it’s fun!  Hold this bag and we will shoo the snipes towards the bag and you be ready to get them. Remember to put some might behind your shove to tip the cow over. Come on it’s fun!