Month: March 2026

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a week #19

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” — Ernest Hemingway, “A Farewell to Arms”

 A wrinkle 

So I’ve found myself feeling like Humpty Dumpty lately with broken pieces that I can’t put together again. A hysterectomy has removed some parts of me like my uterus, my ovaries, my fallopian tubes, etc..(in case I’ve forgotten something.) I don’t have any kings men or kings horses to put me back together again. Besides the pieces that are gone need to stay gone so cancer does not try  to put them back together again. When my body hurts the pain can consume me. I am only the pain I feel. The reality is my body is older and heals more slowly and I get angry at this reality. This anger is not productive energy that gets converted to healing energy, so it just diverts the energy into mental and emotional pain- a vicious cycle. Like the kid in the back seat I’m asking are we there yet and how much longer?  When will I feel better.? Now would be nice. I am so grateful that pathology and prognosis are all good. All’s well that ends well right? Not so fast! I feel more vulnerable living in my aging body. The odds are high that I will experience more illness and injuries the older I get. My response and reaction times are slower and I can’t pretend otherwise or I’ll increase my risk. I worry about facing the perfect storm of injury or illness, loss of mobility and being wrapped in isolation. I tell myself to deal with my anxiety by insuring that I am taking care of myself, planning for and making adaptive changes  in my environment and building a good social support system. On good days things seem to be working, but of course life is not pulling punches. Sometimes it just hurts.

a wonder

I amuse myself by imagining I’m like the Michelin man, protected by rolls of tires padding my body. Just try and get me! Reality is I have more in common with Wily E. Coyote who keeps getting clobbered, but I don’t have an  animator to “fix” my critical injuries.  Laughter is a great healer, so I’d rather my stomach hurt because I laughed too hard than because a medication I need to take upsets my stomach. I need sleep, exercise, mental and physical, good food and lots of love. If I hit my thumb with a hammer it hurts and I may let a few expletives fly to express myself and release my anger. There is nothing like a few very good swear words to release tension. My favorite refrigerator magnet says: “Some days the supply of available swear words is insufficient to meet the demands.” If I get poked at enough I may crawl inside my shell to rest and heal and this may be the best decision I can make. I remember as a child how  people wrote on casts to lighten the drudge of healing. Wish it were that easy! I stock up on books, crosswords and movies to distract myself from time that crawls. No matter how well I deal with illness or injury- sometimes it just hurts.

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #18

a wrinkle

Getting to yes or getting to no on the decision highway is full of a lot of detours, road construction and a few car crashes. GPS doesn’t help me at all. “You have arrived at your decision” would be something I’d Iove to hear from Siri, anything  to take the responsibility for my decisions off of my shoulders. Do I want mango flavored yogurt,  coffee flavored or lemon…? I simply have more decisions to make because I have more choices.  When I  was younger, there were like 5 choices of toothpaste. Now advertising has created more “needs” for everyone: whiter teeth, healthier gums,  treating sensitive teeth and ending dry mouth etc…. My wrinkled skin has so many different products to choose from that I get more wrinkles worrying about if I have chosen the “right” product. Marketers have a way of selling their products that makes me and other consumers feel compelled to purchase them. These kinds of decisions are actually pretty trivial compared to important life decisions I’ve made or still need to make, like who to marry, whether to have a child, where to live, planning for my death, when to divorce, or whether to sign on this or that line….  As I’ve gotten older, I think I know better about when and even if I need to make a decision. I  also know that all decisions have consequences, and some consequences  I face now can be very serious, or even life and death. I can still make a lot of bad decisions and choices in the years I have left. It’s those damned if you do and damned if you don’t  decisions that can tie me up in knots. I may believe I know myself better and trust myself more, but throw some anxiety in the mix and  I get more wrinkles just thinking about it. 

a wonder

I  make better decisions when I can troubleshoot what to do if it turns out to be a poor choice. Considering the “What if’s” helps me assess risk. I’m still working on believing I have the right to change my mind.  Yes I can!  A decision or choice may be a good one for a particular time, but things always change and I will have to make different decisions  as circumstances change.  I’m trying to not deny the changes that aging has brought and will bring, and to accept the reality of my changing circumstances.  I am ok with others making a decision for me, i.e.where to go for coffee, if it really doesn’t matter to me. My  coffee order is my choice and it’s one I take seriously. When I do care or have a preference, I do myself and others the respect of speaking up for myself. I am responsible for planning for changing needs, as life narrows my choices.    I have taken care of confirming my final wishes and my representatives to act for me. My most precious resource is my time. How do I want to spend my time? These kinds of decisions determine my quality of life. I’ll spend 2 hours at the movies, but not 2 hours at a boring seminar on investing. I minimize the time I spend with people I don’t like, choosing not to ruled  my “shoulds”. I claim my right to make my own decisions, but not to make yours. It’s still really hard to keep my mouth shut when I think a family member, my son particularly, or friends have made a poor decision. My relationships are formed and bettered by my decisions, big and little, to respect mine and others choices. It’s much better to have to choose between alternatives that are all good. Which cake I want is not a very difficult choice. These are the kind of decisions I love so I’m hoping for lots more of these. I decided many years that “ Dawn” is the only dish detergent I ever buy or use. That’s one down, and many more decisions to make.