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The kids in the neighborhood congregate at the house next door to play. When they play outside their voices are the background music to my day. I envy them because they are so uninhited and unself-conscious. They are not worried about looking silly or being judged. They even sold rocks this summer and I bought some like every adult in the neighborhood. I know this stage of their lives will end as the world of comparison and judgement awaits them all. They too will soon be thinking “What will people think?”

I feel like shame is in my DNA. I inherited it from my Mother, just as she inherited it from her Mother. My mother got up every morning and dressed herself in shame. I’d like to think that in her sleep and dreams, and in her demented state today, that shame is not able to claim her. How did I know that she was full of shame? She was muted and timid and often seemed afraid. Her question, spoken or unspoken, was “What will people think?” Her default was “It’s all my fault.” As I got older, I understood that she held secrets buried under her shame. Soon I had my own secrets.

I got a double dose of shame, Catholic and female shame. I knew I was a sinner. As I grew up, I was burdened with the overwhelming shame of being a female. I bled every month and my body changed in ways I couldn’t control. Did everyone know I was on my period?  I had sexual feelings. Was I a good girl or a slut? Was I pretty and popular? Who knew about that thing I was trying so hard to hide?  Sometimes I played “dumb” and other times I berated myself for an A-. I was sure if I was just “myself” that I would be alone and I would never be good enough. A lie was ok if it protected me. And I won’t even begin to share my parenting mistakes and secrets. Motherhood gives birth to babies and guilt and shame.

So how did I get here? Today I am usually at peace with myself and most of the time I feel I am good enough. Many years of therapy, 12 Step programs and just plain hard emotional and spiritual work have been my path. I try to be very aware of  my self-talk and how important it is for me to pay attention to what I tell myself. I share my feelings with trusted friends and family too. Shame still nips at my heels, but self-forgiveness keeps me out of reach.

I have compassion for my Mother who did the best she could with what she had. I’m sad she struggled so much with shame and  fear of what others thought of her. With help she might have discovered her wonderful self and that she was worthy and deserving of love. Just because. I wish the same for my son,Tyler.

My neighbors tree 
ignoring property lines,
trespasses in my yard.
In the summer,
I borrow its shade like a cup of sugar.
I grumble in the fall,
blisters on my hands from raking.
I worry about its comforting branches
breaking under the weight of ice, snow or strong winds.
If I’m vigilant I may see a goldfinch
tucked in it’s branches.
Resilient, tall and strong
the tree inspires me.
I know the tree can not be owned,
but it is mine.

Was he even paying attention?

He was.

“Love yourself into a life that loves you back.” 

My strong desire is to say or write something that really moves people, changes their minds, or makes them smile.  I want to say something profound:1. having intellectual depth and insight; 2. having or showing great knowledge or understanding. Of course I  have “ intellectual depth and insight” and “ great knowledge or understanding”!

I must admit  this desire is partially about my ego, which wants my words to matter that it was I who said them..   “Shut up!” is the last thing I want to hear.  I have something to say, listen up!

When I am in existential pain, or a state of confusion I want simple answers. Something short  to wrap my head and heart around. I often seek comfort in a quote that is particularly meaningful to me:

1. “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in one drop.” – Rumi
2. “Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.” – Yumi Sakugawa

These short quotes bring life down to basics for me, cutting through the fog of confusion.

Since quotes are usually short and simple sound bites, there is a danger of oversimplification and skimming the surface which can lead to shallow understanding.”Nice guys finish last.”means what? Depends upon what the meaning of “nice”is.  If I’m “not nice” will I finish first? Doesn’t meet the smell test for me! If it’s  “lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse” then  it’s  a cliche. I don’t want to be a cliche or use cliches. If the words I use do not connect with the listener than silence may be better.

It’s not the number of words used, it’s the power of the words which matter. Sometimes just a few words  have changed the course of history. “ i.e.”Give me liberty or give me death.”, the battle cry for the Revolutionary War.  Quotes can be full of irony,“ Fighting for peace is like F**king for Chasity.”, or sarcasm :  “If your phone doesn’t ring it’s me.” or “ I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” The later is one of my favorites these days.

 I want my quote in that pretty book of quotes that people pick up once a year and leaf through, but I want my quote to be the one that you remember and makes a difference in your life. Will you remember this one?

“Love yourself into a life that loves you back.”   Danita Watson

Welcome to the Shitshow 2025, the greatest show on earth!!  Reserve your seats now. Tickets are free, but seats are limited. Seating in the front section is reserved for billionaires. There are still seats available outside on the sidewalk, but please bring warm blankets for use due to the frigid cold. Concessions are available to those with indoor seating. No food is available for outdoor seating due to supply chain and entitlement issues. No one will be allowed inside without their “papers”.  Packed suitcases are recommended  for those seated outside. Sit back and enjoy the show and remember there will be no consequences for illegal and immoral behaviors. 

This popular show is being sponsored by billionaires with shit for brains, wads of cash, and greed for more and more. Flattery and blind loyalty are required and the lucky billionaires will get government contracts and big, fat, juicy tax breaks for their contributions and capitulations. Headquarters are located at a private resort in the Sunshine State and contributions are laundered at that location. Documents are stored in plain sight, but no one knows where they are, except Elon.

Help Wanted: The Shitshow is currently hiring for liars, haters, grifters, and brown-nosers. All positions require expertise in cruelty and a loyalty oath to the sadistic CEO . Are you totally unqualified and corrupt and/or a horrible dancer?  Please apply immediately to the Shitshow. Those with enemy lists and sordid pasts are given more than equal opportunity.  Pronoun requests are not accepted and there will be  background checks for wokeness.  A  college degree is required, but must not include courses in history, science, ethics and civics.  We want you if you can lie with a straight face and weave justifications for insane actions. Salary is above average because the rich always get richer.  Each position comes with a pardon and your own personal Supreme Court justice.

This may be your last opportunity to enjoy the show since earth is quickly becoming a hostile and uninhabitable environment. If you believe climate change is a hoax, I have the perfect job for you at the Shitshow 2025!

Molly squibbles. Roscoe gargles gravel. My doggies “sweet talk” when they tell me what they want or how much they love me.  Most of us would be very embarrassed if the whole world could hear how we sweet talk to our pets in private.  “Stinky butt” or “Mollywally” aren’t very respectable dog names.  Bring a baby or a puppy on to the scene and people get all mushy;  “Oh what a good little boy you are.”,or “She’s so cute and sweet.” Some women have success talking to their husbands the same way. I was never very good at  “catching more flies with honey”…I preferred “to put a bee” in his bike helmet. When talking to babies we tend to raise our voices an octave or more. Babies prefer a high pitched voice. When we say, “Pretty please!”we also speak with a higher pitch and a sweet voice. How something is said can be more important than what we say.

We may say “Flattery…will get you nowhere”, but we all know flattery does get you somewhere, often a very long way.  It’s like a diet of junk food and sugar for the psyche. The “Emperor With No Clothes On” shows his naked, fat butt as he struts to his throne. Flattery or “kissing ass” in action. His dressers told him he looked splendid in his new purple robe and he believed them…i.e. see the yes-men Congressmen flatter and kiss Trump’s behind for an excellent  example of brown-nosing. ( ick). They are stepping on each other to fawn over their leader by spewing  insincere and excessive praise. Their goal is to gain favor with Trump:“What can he do for me?”. They believe that he controls their political future. The halls of government are swarmed with flatterers, and a lot of shiny boots with all the boot-licking going on. 

What’s the harm or danger with flattery? This depends on the motive and goal of the flatterer, how easily someone can be manipulated, and what the consequences are! I want you to know how special you are is a long ways from “What can I get from you if I manipulate you with flattery?” Are you trying to get ahead, get information, or deceive someone.? Leaders who are weak and ignorant and thrive on flattery,  can be talked into crashing the course of history. Who is going to tell dear leader that he is “wrong”, and he is being manipulated by people who want to do harm. Hearing how great you are is very pleasant, but if what is being served to you is a shit sandwich of flattery, you will soon be hungry again.

Sweet-talk: way of talking to someone in a pleasing or funny way in order to persuade them to do or believe something.  i.e.. “Honey can you get me a beer?” Or “You big, strong man can you move this for me.” So if there are people around you who praise your every decision, who tell you how smart you are, how wise you are, how brave you are, be assured these people want you to do something for them. These are the flatterers, the smooth talkers who have ulterior motives. Encourage people around you to tell you the truth even though truth can hurt us. This is easier said than done when people in power have invested in lies to stay in power. This “ House of Cards” is held up by flattery. I don’t know about you, but I bet you agree that being thought a fool by most everyone who smiles to our faces is not how I want to live.

Back to babies and puppies. I hope most of the sweet- talking I do is to get babies to smile and puppies to wiggle with joy. 

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. 

Rudyard Kipling

Alright, I’ll set the scene…At the intersection of Drake and York, I’m waiting for the light to turn green, and lazily looking at tail lights. Because I’m stopped on top of the hill, this is what I see: many jet trails criss-crossing in the sky and disappearing over the horizon, car exhaust, and my dirty windshield. Scrambling for my phone so I can get a photo, I manage not to collide with the other vehicles. I know this vision is a sign for me. My phone captures the image, but meanings and lessons are elusive and still brewing for me.

Air traffic controllers are directing the jets’ paths in the sky, playing etch-a- sketch with jet trails. Pilots are just following orders and controllers are just doing their jobs. In order to travel in a straight line, we are constantly making minute course corrections as conditions change.

Jets can’t make 90 degree turns like humans are apt to do. In the sky, jumbo jets don’t make 3 point turns. Where can I get that etch-a-sketch? Jet trails cross paths and intersect, but the jets themselves don’t intersect In the 2  dimensional sky. Thank God.

I imagine someday soon there will be no need for pilots and AI and Siri will fly and navigate the jet. Siri will say in her sweet voice “You have arrived/at your destination.” I know my final destination is death. Meanwhile I think the sky is telling me to show up, pay attention and chart a good course. Be mindful of others sharing my airspace and yield the right of way. 

Remember to look up!

When I was 10, I wanted to live to be 100. I also felt that old people were kinda embarrassing and a bit distasteful.  Somehow, I believed I could reach my 100th birthday and I would not have to become old. I wouldn’t have to look or feel old, and others would not see me or treat me as old. Magical childhood thinking that I could have it both ways! Of course, I grew up and now I feel old and look old.  I have indeed became old and I do fit the profile. I could definitely be picked out of a lineup as the old person. Guilty of the crime of aging!

As we know, humans can simultaneously hold 2 opposing viewpoints, we can and do change our minds, and we tell ourselves stories which have no basis in fact but which we strongly believe.  The topic of aging is ripe for all of these mental gymnastics. After all, don’t we want to live to a ripe old age? I am a little wary of using this analogy cause to me it sounds like we’re waiting to throw out fruit that is past its prime. We’re told to not deny aging but to defy aging! We should strive for “super” aging. There is a good, better and best way to age, and I know for sure I haven’t even achieved “good” yet. If I try to defy aging I’ll just look like I’m shadow boxing with myself. I’m tired of trying to become “better” than I am. I want Goldilocks and myself to declare I’m “just right”.

I have to play the hand I’ve been dealt, and sometimes I don’t get a winning hand. This doesn’t mean I’ve lost the game, and in most card games I have a partner that can help me out. I won’t get to 100 if I don’t have family and friends that love me and vice versa. Aging is an individual thing and no one can know how I really feel about my aging body and mind, but I don’t have to be alone and/or lonely in the process. Put two 100 year olds in a room and there are very few generalizations you can make, differences out-weigh similarities. It’s my own story to write and tell and I have things to say. My responsibility is to tell the truth, listen and be kind.

In 2022, 56 million people, almost 17% of U.S. population was over 65.  By 2050,  it is expected that about 23% of our population will be over 65.  I’m not always a proud member of the over 65 club. “I am old, hear me roar.”  Not so much!  But I’ll take the Senior discounts and my retirement. Remember that I am not an old woman,  I am a woman who is old. And yes, I have a lot of wisdom, but since no one listens to me anyway I’ll just enjoy the show.

“ I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

                                                                                            Woody Allen

A few short months ago it was two very old men running for President, both suffering from some cognitive decline. The one with integrity and good character drops out and the other with zero integrity stays in the race and sells bibles and shoes on the side. A  younger woman enters the race, but she is getting “ blacker”  by the minute and is a socialist, communist, fascist, and enemy of the state and stupid— this according to the “trustworthy”, demented old man still in the race. Just an ordinary election year in the country we all love. I am very afraid that we are sleep walking into the loss of our democracy and we are just watching it happen. Wake up!!

When I was 6, my family moved from a small farm in Iowa to Chicago. I went from cows mooing and green fields to honking cars and lots of concrete. Talk about culture shock! I asked my Mom why that man’s skin was dark, and if he was dirty and needed to take a bath. My cousin Brad, still living in Iowa at the time, wanted to know why blacks always smelled bad? When I asked him how many he had smelled, he said none, but his uncle had. I was young so I think I adapted quickly, my parents had a harder time of it. Why am I sharing this story? To tell you about myself, but..you know there is always a but. Everything I have just told you is a lie! I just made it up. It was so easy too. How do we feel about being deceived? It pisses me off! What if we trust the people who are lying to us? Betrayal is not something anyone looks forward to.

Shakespeare said “ What a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive.” What did he mean? Don’t waste your time trying to answer this, it’s a trick question because Shakespeare did not say this. It is a quote from a Walter Scott poem. Already the web of deceit is being woven. Lies are compounded and people get more confused. It’s much easier to be consistent when you only need to remember one version of a story, the truth

Fact-checking is the process of verifying the factual accuracy of questioned reporting and statements. What if I had a fact checker following me around? It is a fierce battle to fact-check when there are so many lies being put forth as the truth. Social media, and Trump and his minions, vomit lies by the  millisecond. What if I start to question the conspiracies my tribe subscribes to? I could end up ostracized and alone.   Propaganda is spreading lies in order to help a cause, a political leader or a government. Social media and Trump and his minions vomit lies every millisecond. Propaganda magnifies doubt, and doubt magnifies fear. Fear can promote aggression, disengagement and paralysis. I know I cycle thru these emotions every day.

People lie for a multitude of reasons. It may be to get other people to like them, to control a situation or because they desperately want something  to be true.The question is not why do people lie, it is “Why do people tell the truth?” Truth or consequences, but what if there are no consequences for lying?. I think, no one else will ever know.”,but I  will know. I  “embellish” or “ stretch the truth” or leave out parts of stories, and kid myself  that I am not  lying.If  we build our lives on lies,  the truth can be an earthquake of destruction. I have learned the truth about some family myths and I’m not sure if this was a net positive.

The lies I tell to myself about myself are lies just the same.The psychological costs of lying can be lower self esteem, more stress from “managing” the lie, and guilt and shame. My intention is to tell the truth and do the right thing, but to be “honest” I fail a good share of  the time.

“The fact that a great many people believe something is no guarantee of its truth.” —W. Somerset Maugham, writer. AND Margaret Taylor Greene is lying when she says the federal government controls the weather. I know it’s a lie because she has not been struck by lightning.

I am queen of metaphors and similes. I owe it all to Freshman English Composition. My liberal use of comparisons and/or analogies help me to tell my stories and understand myself much better. Today, I am the little wind up toy that is wound tight and released. I think they are still available.  The song,“The Marvelous Toy” by Peter, Paul and Mary tells us about them.

 It went “Zip” when it moved

And “Bop” when it stopped

And “Whirrr” when it stood still

I never knew just what it was and I guess I never will

I remember …

I picked it up and wound it and set it down. I can see it now making its way across the table or floor “zipping”as it went. It would change direction if it hit an object in its path, or get stuck and “whirr” in place until it wound down and was silent. Or like Humpty Dumpty it could take a great fall right off the table….

The who or what that winds me up has changed throughout my life, and certainly as I have aged. I was full of energy, positive or nervous energy, and often wound myself up. I was running away or running towards or stalled out with no energy to move at all. It was a game of “Red Rover” and Danita was sent right over. If I couldn’t break through into the  “popular” or “successful”  world, then I would just “bop”. The worst scenario was when I ignored “ Danger” signs and “zipped” when I should have “bopped”.  Sometimes, no matter how many hints I got to change direction I just kept right  on going. It is wonderful, but rare when the path ahead is clear and free of obstacles. But I can still make my own obstacles or head for the cliff and take a great fall to end it all. 

Today I’m an educated “Marvelous Toy”!  A toy that has “Been there, done that” and takes the time to ask ” How important is it?”. I’m not tossed around by so many outside forces. On the days I don’t have much “ zip” I appreciate and find comfort in the “ whirr” in being still. I take good care of my toy. I put it in a safe place and never wind it too tight, and no flipping or jumping anymore. I hope for lots more “zip”.