Month: April 2026

Molly in all of her cone glory. My hero.

A Wrinkle And A Wonder #24

a wrinkle

Molly, my little doggie girl, had surgery this week. She had a couple of growths removed from her leg, so they could be  biopsied. Doctor doesn’t think it’s cancer,  but wants to confirm what it is. So we are dealing with the necessity of her wearing a Cone of Shame, an Elizabethan Cone, so she can’t lick the surgery site until it heals.  It hurts me more than it hurts her I think, but after desperately trying to get it off she has now called a truce . She’s adapted to the awful thing and has learned how to eat with it on, go up and down stairs and jump up and off the couch and bed. I step in to help her, but she probably doesn’t want me to hover over her. Damn! I think she’s better at this adaptation and resilience thing than I am.   A few years ago I had extensive surgery on my right hand. Unlike Molly, I had the awareness of what was coming so had the “luxury” of worrying about what was to come. Healing and getting mobility back was a long painful process and I am not the most patient of patients. So I figured some things out to take care of myself, gratefully accepted help from others and whined.  Limits and changes to  my ability to take care of myself really piss me off.  Although I know that change is inevitable I still tend to dig in my heels and protest a bit when I need to adapt to new circumstances. Road closed signs  irritate me, and when my favorite coffee shop closes early desperation sets in! Move the clock and I still look for it in the same place for too long! I’m not totally averse to stepping out of my routine or trying new things, but I prefer routine unless I’m highly motivated. I say old lady things and I hear myself say “ That’s the way I’ve always done it.” or “ What do you mean you’ve changed your patient portal!?”  I’ll deal with it, or I won’t.  

a wonder

A friend of mine asked to interview me after my husband Roger died, and I had had time to adjust and see what I may have learned from caregiving and grieving. She was researching what resilience meant and how I might have  demonstrated resilience. We concluded that caregiving and grieving Roger’s dementia and death was a massive learning experience, and it hadn’t destroyed me and actually made me stronger. Basically “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” theory . Yes, I was a stronger more adaptable person, more confident of my strength and ability and clearer on what was truly important and what was not. Caregiving put holes in all my theories about  love for others and self-love  and each day was different with new challenges. You would think that nothing would shake me after surviving this, but time forgets as well as heals. So today I’m remembering these lessons and thinking WTF how could I now react to the trivial matters I face today with so much consternation, but I have to remember that I am human and can react quickly without thinking. If the Internet is out, my first reaction could be uttering a barrage of obscenities and maybe some handwringing if I knew how to wring my hands. As a young girl, when I was learning to ride bike and sucking at it,  I threw the bike to the ground and blamed the bike for not letting me ride it. I can still get very angry at inanimate objects that don’t cooperate with me. I do try to put the square peg in the round hole. I know that if I give myself time to think I can remember that I am resilient and steady and I can respond and not only react. Imagining  myself wearing a collar like Molly’s,  I am humbled and respect her ability to deal and to go with the flow. I need to remember this lesson.

a wrinkle

Trump and the Pope are feuding, actually it is really only Trump who is feuding, and the Pope who is sharing the theology of the Catholic Church with compassion and patience. All I know is that if I was marooned on a desert island, I’d pick the Pope for my theological roommate.  I would certainly commit murder if I was marooned with Trump. I do know that murder is a sin, but maybe God would pardon me.   I admit I’m a fair-weather Catholic  who “gently” accepts some Catholic teachings and rejects others. As I age, I value simplicity and clarity. I like to take short, little quizzes that I can use to judge my progress.  For simplicity and clarity in Catholic theology, it doesn’t get better than the 7  Deadly Sins: Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth.  Each of these have caused a lot of wrinkles on my face, in my soul and in my life. It all adds up as my years add up. I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to others and I usually come up short and asking why. Don’t I deserve more( greed), deserve what they have ( envy) or deserve revenge (wrath)? I may be old enough to know better,  but I do behave badly at times. Still it is hard to be humble when I can do it all or believe I can.  Pride is a sin that elevates the self above others and even God. Pride is considered the gravest of the seven deadly sins. The 12 Step programs put it this way “There is a God and I’m not it.” When I forget that I am not God and attempt to control other people and things I cannot control, I’m pushing God out and putting myself in charge. This behavior has my name on it more often than I want to admit. With my vast experience and advanced age I hope I’m wise, but not too proud to admit I’m not infallible like the Pope. My score on the 7 Deadly Sins is classified.  Yes! Trump is a perfect example of Pride, the gravest deadly sin. His “hair-do” proves it!

a wonder

What about the seven virtues? Prudence, Justice , Fortitude,Temperance and Faith, Hope and Charity. Surely I will score very high on all the virtues, because since I’ve passed 70 I have evolved into a paragon of virtues.  Oops, there is some of that Pride I need to rein in!  Am I  a prudent person who makes good decisions and discerns information? Lately I’ve “decided” to practice decision making without people pleasing and over-explaining. I give myself a good score on gathering and evaluating information.  One of my all time favorite movies is “And Justice for All” and Al Pacino’s closing arguments monologue is exactly what I wanted to say!  I”m obsessed with rendering justice, so if there is a wrong I must right it. The problem with all that fierce passion  is that I must win the battle over evil and injustice at all costs, and if I fail, look out for the sin of Wrath. With temperance, I think I’m getting more patient and mellow in many areas of my life. Althou gh, if a trigger is strong enough I may need to count to 100 to maintain self control. I also think being quiet and nice is not a virtue. I use my loud voice if I need to. I look at Fortitude as feeling brave enough to make noise and to stand up and be counted. I resist and I protest. In short,”If not now, then when?”,and I’m running out of whens’, so it is now!  Faith,Hope and Charity { Love} are the core virtues focusing on our relationship with our fellow human beings and a power greater than ourselves, which many call God. My faith in, and my concept of God is fluid and I’ve now accepted that I can trust a God that I define differently as I’ve gotten older. I believe in a greater power that may change daily and that’s ok with me. I think of Hope as my  expectation that I am worthy of good things and blessings in my life. I trust that God is a positive force in my life, but struggle to accept that I am worthy of blessings. My score on the 7 virtues is also classified. As for Charity, I aspire to love and be kind to everyone except for stupid people. 

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” – Steve Maraboli

a wrinkle

Yesterday I was taking a nickel and dime walk, which is what I call a short walk in between  events on my schedule. i.e. “ I have 10 minutes before my next commitment so I’m going to walk for 10 minutes.” I have been doing the nickel and dime walks more often recently as I am recovering from a hysterectomy. I was walking briskly and thinking that there is really little hope of good news while Trump is president. And then the sidewalk rose up to meet me, and bam my face was in contact with the concrete. My glasses flew off and I thought “ This is what a face plant feels like”.  Too late, I saw the uneven sidewalk that had tripped me up. I reached up to touch my face as big drops of blood fell on my hand.  I realized my face was cut and bleeding, but I didn’t know where the injury was. I struggled up to my feet and the bleeding was pretty heavy . Quick check, I wasn’t knocked out, not dizzy when I stood up and needed to assess what my face looked like. Meanwhile the bleeding continued and my hand was not absorbing the flow. So, of course I cried! I berated myself for not paying enough attention to the condition of the sidewalk and not being able to stop my fall. Just for fun, I also had  lots of fear about how I would heal. After all, I’m old and falling apart and my fall proved that. I started to walk…

a wonder

So where was I ? What was the closest place to get help? I remembered there was a health club around the corner and headed that way. I walked in and up to the front desk and said” “I need help. Can you help me?” I’m sure that I presented as an older lady who was bleeding  all over the place. Which of course was exactly what I was. I was given a towel to use and their first aid kit was pulled out.  And then I heard, “I’m a nurse. I can help.” and she did . She sat me down and cleaned up my face to see what was bleeding and checked me over for other injuries. She put pressure on the source of the bleeding and confirmed it was not a deep cut on the bridge of my nose. She was very comforting to me and  took me to the bathroom and helped me wash off the blood on my hands.. She offered to drive me to Urgent care,  but I said I was ok to drive. She gave me a hug and told me her name was Paige, and I introduced myself too. After all, it was important that we learn each others names as we had shared this raw adventure.  I went back to my car and drove to Urgent care for a closer  check up.  I was full of gratitude and understood that the good news is there are caring people. I want to be one of them, part of the caring and hope. This is true in spite of Trump’s evil control. I still get to decide how I will act. This part is up to me. Thank you Paige.