Family Ties

Linus, Danita, Neal, Maury, Aileen, Mary Jo, Ann, Leonice,Zita, Ruth, Lisa, Artie, Lee…

I grew up with 12 siblings. When I tell people this they usually are amazed and ask how  it growing up, was it lots of fun and were we close? I always tell them that we were not the Von Trapp family singing our way to freedom. No one attempted to murder another sibling, but I  can’t vouch that no one  never thought about it.  We had an an operating system to put order to the chaos. I’ll call it the Holthaus operating system. Bill Gates would have wise to buy us out. For example, if you decided to leave your position during a commercial  “ Saved” was the word that guaranteed that no one would take your seat or spot on the floor. Yes, we had positions on the floor that were quite valuable. Without this agreement we would have came to fisticuffs and hair- pulling. If you forgot to say “saved” you were sol. I still catch myself saying “saved”when I get up. 15 people, one bathroom, justifiable homicide. And one frypan for our Sunday eggs. Lots of I’m first , I’m second for the bathroom, etc.  We even had to claim the window seat in the car. Mom set  up a system with the daily tasks like washing and drying dishes, and sweeping the floor. It was a simple set rotation so arguing about it was pretty futile. It was “fair” and this was the ultimate test. Your turn was your turn.  Did you know that slicing a half gallon of ice cream is the only way to really be fair? If it wasn’t “fair” we squawked.

To keep mealtimes orderly we had assigned seats at the table,  Dad on one end and Mom on the other, and long benches on both sides with assigned seating. When Mom yelled dinner we hurried to the table because those who were late might find some dishes were empty. We said grace before every meal, but we were still likely to act out at the table by banging our glasses on the table or attempting to shove someone off the bench. Meal time was  strictly for eating.  10 minutes at the table was pretty much the norm. My parents lingered, but we didn’t. And the amount of dishes to be washed…

As soon as we were old enough we were given a chore to do. I gathered eggs, and packed them in the egg cartons. The chicken coop also housed rats and the hens pecked and squawked when I  grabbed their eggs. It was a quick in and out. I liked to sing badly at my egg table as I sorted the eggs. It was quiet in the basement and I was usually alone. Privacy was a valuable commodity to me.

 We had our roles….the funny one, the quiet one, the trouble maker, the leader, the follower, the smart one, the dumb one. The youngest in the family was born the year I graduated from high school, so we had the older ones and the younger ones and different “realities”for each. It is almost like 2 different families. Our parents certainly changed thru the years and had time to pay attention, go to more school events, and games. I just came back from a visit with family and was surprised how family tales and secrets were understood so differently depending on birth order. Alternative facts….

So did we have fun?  We had fun, but mostly outside and away from parental scrutiny. We did report in if so and so hit us or was not playing fair. Tattletale! We played together and cooperated to create situations where “fun”was the goal. We rode a toboggan packed with 5 or 6 kids and picked the driver carefully. Snowball fights,  playing basketball, HORSE, softball—- we had enough players for lots of activities. We had some conflicts on rules of course. King of the mountain on top of a big pile of snow was a favorite, and we had to wrestle or shove someone off the top. No warm and fuzzy there! We also had some boxing gloves around from someone and boxed each other. Ouch….

No privacy! Always shared a bedroom and bed. Had to hide to have a good cry! Private Phone calls required stretching the cord outside to the front porch. We went thru a lot of cords.

We could all drink from the river of denial and refuse to acknowledge the truth. Who was depressed, who was drinking too much and fell asleep driving? All for one and one for all?Ask for help? Not so much. We were fed and clothed and had a tidy house. We got the giggles with each other and teased each other without mercy.  There was always a rug rat in our family. I babied lots of babies, and for god sakes keep door closed to the basement stairs! There was total panic when baby Lee could not be found. Retracing … he had crawled into the corner lazy Susan for pots and pans and fallen asleep. True story!  I’ve always had the ability to read my surroundings. Paying  attention to the needs of others with a  wide lens. I am vigilant, and I am responsible. I grew up with those values.

We are family, all my sisters and me…we had a storytelling and poetry reading from our sister books when we were all together in Iowa last week. All of us read and told stories inspite of earlier decisions to not actively participate. We had a great  crowd of friends and family and we all had fun. My sisters are my lifeline, my shelter. Our love is elastic across the miles and across our differences. We are each unique and deserve equal treatment. Life is not fair…but we try to level the playing field. We live affirmative action. Watch out for others, they are all family, brothers and sisters.