You are in a dark smoky bar and you see a dude in a fantastic white suit. He says to his friend “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.” Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart as Rick. I think this is the ultimate coincidence in a movie. The topic “What a coincidence!”,was the topic this week for my storytelling event. With revisions I’d like to share it with you in this blog post.
35 years ago …I was very upset that day, my marriage was in trouble. My husband had told me he was willing to stay and work on our marriage he had feelings for another woman. I doubted him. Since I wanted to smoke, rant and cry my girlfriend and I decided to go to Rolland Moore Park so I could smoke outside. I looked up and I was shocked and devastated to see my husband drive by with the other woman. A million fucks! Wrong place at the wrong time.
30 years ago: I went to my hair stylist who knew I had recently got divorced and we were talking about my current state of datelessness. The stylist next to us overheard us and said “Hey my neighbor is single and a really nice guy. He got divorced a few years ago. He’s cute too! Can I give him your number? ”We got married 2 years later. Right place, right time.
Coincidences…I’d rather talk about sex or confess my sins then write and talk about this topic! It befuddles me and makes me very confused. Even in my dorm circle of earnest college girls passing Boones Farm around, there was no resolution or solace in talking about coincidences and fate. Maybe we needed better wine, or more of it, to get the courage to face the real issues: self-determination,and acceptance. My aging self still struggles with these issues.
I’m a rule follower, so in spite of my resistance, I started to write about coincidence, but screeched to a stop just before I ran into the brick wall of randomness and chaos. Wait a minute, do I even believe in coincidences? My itty bitty brain wants definitions cause I’m likely to misunderstand what a word really means. I trust Daniel Webster: 2 : coincidence…the occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to be connected. So events are accidental but we create the connection? What a coincidence! We name it and create the meaning. I make a judgement call about how events or facts are related.
We humans are funny creatures, we tend to think things happen for a reason. Randomness and chaos are uncomfortable paradigms. We control our lives right? We are social creatures and search for connections. For example you tell me you are from Iowa , and I say “what a coincidence I am too.” We want to create a “we”.; we share a similar background, we have something in common. We are then socially connected, more alike than different, not total strangers anymore. If we find out our new acquaintance is on the same political side as us that’s a good coincidence, but if we are on opposite sides politically the fact that we are in the same place at the same time may not be a pleasant coincidence, it could be an unpleasant accident. Like the “match” who thought I should wear my ballot for Biden around my neck! A coffee date with a “Match” is really all about finding out how alike we are, how do we connect. We are hoping for “coincidences” or facts that make us more likable to each other.
I’m not a true believer in fate: Fate is a power that is believed to control what will happen in the future What power? Is this power on my side? I’m very uncomfortable with “chaos” which is defined as “a state of things in which chance is supreme”: If chance is supreme then coincidences and fate should just slink off into the corner. Let’s kick superstition to the corner too. We don’t earn good or bad karma, we don’t really deserve anything. Bad things do happen to good people. My husband got early onset Lewy Body Dementia and died at 64. It wasn’t” fair”, but then I’m not owed fairness.There are things that have happened in my life and I demanded an answer to“why”, but so far I have no answers and life just laughs at me.
Sounds a bit like word salad to me. Can we prove any of this stuff? Do things have meaning? Does anybody really have a plan? Do I believe in magical thinking? I know I have a heap of good questions but no answers really. Does any of this really matter? I think sometimes I need to know answers to protect myself….from fear and insecurity.
I’m not waiting for the stars to align for me. I put myself out there and expect no guarantees and my fingers are not crossed. I do know 2 things for sure: good things happen and shit happens!! I can live with this. I have to.
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