I’m Positive

I’m positive. Positive for Covid that is. I was starting to think that I was going to escape Covid after not contracting it for the 4 years it’s been out there. II took 3 tests  before I was convinced I was positive and the line showed up almost immediately on all 3. I had a couple of rough days last week, but I was prescribed Paxlovid because I’m older than dirt, so felt better quickly. This  last Wednesday I tested negative. Covid is in my rear view mirror for now. Speeding down my life path I’ve figured out that with Covid there is only before, during and after. When did I go from negative to positive and vice versa? There must be a viral tipping point and I don’t have a clue when and how it operates. I too have changed and been changed by mysterious forces and circumstances. There are no”rapid” tests to confirm whether or not I have learned what I needed to learn. Only time will tell if I have absorbed life’s lessons and will change my behavior.

There is a big difference between choosing to change and being forced to change, but being  forced to change narrows the options considerably. I prefer to set my own timeline -thank you very much! I chose to test for Covid, but I sure didn’t choose Covid. Others may choose not to test. I can’t do anything about that!  I chose to start smoking. How many times did I say “ I’m going to quit smoking.”, before I actually did?  I lost count. I really can’t explain what gave me the courage to finally stop smoking. I simply wanted to be a non- smoker more than I wanted to smoke.  I was ready, and though I  knew it would be painful, I knew it was worth it.   All my  previous attempts to quit helped me see where I had encountered speed bumps. My experiences with failing to quit smoking taught me a lot of what I needed to know to succeed at  quitting smoking. I learned why and how I failed!  “Don’t do this” was  how I got to “Do this” and becoming a non- smoker.

I learn from experience and my experience tells me that seeing how a dictionary defines a word helps me get the true meaning of a word and helps me write with understanding.

learn: to gain knowledge or skill by studying, practicing, being taught, or experiencing something b : to come to be able <learn to dance>
c : to come to realize <learned that honesty paid>

If I’m in a classroom and studying American History my teacher can give me a test to see what I have learned about this subject. If I have a good teacher and consistently  practice my guitar I can learn to play. In life, the “Been there, done that .” principle can be a very good teacher. When I have done this, or experienced that, this is what happened, and it’s likely to happen again. “But what if?” The  “But, what if?” principle Is where I have run into a lot of trouble in my life. I’ve often believed that I didn’t try hard enough, and  if I tried  “harder”, or I was different and better it would turn out differently. I didn’t learn from experience that wishful thinking  was not reality.  I failed that test many times.

Accumulating evidence and knowledge does not mean I will automatically act differently and make better decisions. Whats the tipping point ? Is it that last little bit of knowledge or experience that finally pushes me to change my behavior?  Ironically it was often when I “gave up”, that I was able to change. I made changes in my life and behavior only when I stopped trying to change others and circumstances and only focused on changing myself. Keeping an open mind and recognizing my blind spots can help me understand better, but understanding alone is not enough to make me change my behavior. The pain I know is better than the pain I might experience if I change my behavior. Pros and cons don’t mean much either. Still at some point I decide it hurts too much to stay the same. I don’t want to test positive for pain anymore.