Month: July 2024

I have big feet. BIG. I was a size 9 when I needed to be sexy in my heels, a size 10 after pregnancy and standing on my feet 40 hours a week, and now I wear clown shoes, size 11.  I have to if I don’t want  my toes to  be black and blue.   My siblings called me “Tubby Toes”, hitting both my shoe size and my weight. In 1975, for about 2 seconds I weighed 127 pounds and was a size 8. My weight is pretty steady now, but varied a lot when I was younger. No matter what the scale said, I was “fat”. This disconnect between the reality of my body and how I see and feel about it. is called body dysmorphia :a mental illness characterized by obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. Think being anorexic and looking in the mirror and “seeing” yourself at 300 pounds. That tiny pimple on you chin is Mt. Vesuvius spewing hot lava. Ew! This is a common fear of teenagers who then can’t stop looking at it or think about popping it. Maybe teenage  angst never really goes away it just becomes adult and elder angst.

I’m an either/or person: I’m  beautiful, or I’m very ugly; I’m smart, or I’m  pretty dumb. Dysmorphia is an “exaggerated  perception” i.e. I’m worthless, I’m lazy, I’m unloveable, I’m a failure. Oh my! As I age, I’ve learned to soften some expectations, judgements and certainties. I’m not 100 % sure of anything!  Except…I hate Donald Trump 100%. I am 100% sure that he has no redeeming qualities. It seems I have no power to wrestle myself out of this pathological certainty, so I pray for help. Really. 

Beyond my Trump “ blindness”, I am willing and sometimes able to look at how I may suffer from dysmorphia.  I know my eyes “see”, so why am I stuck in front of funhouse mirrors? I can correct my vision, but how can I make sure that my brain “sees” correctly? Social scientists have theorized that we often see what we want to see, and most of us know this to be true. Our brains can trick us and deceive us, so maintaining objectivity is difficult. Thats where dysphoria comes in; dys·pho·ria: a state of feeling unwell or unhappy. If I am feeling unhappy I want validation for my mood. I’m unhappy because I’m ugly and stupid, and because I’m stupid and ugly I am feeling unhappy. Are you still with me? Kinda like the chicken or the egg question. 

When I was a young woman I was diagnosed with dysthymia: a milder, but long lasting form of depression which may have episodes of major depression.  Do I see what I want to see? Is what I think more important that what my eyes are seeing? How dysfunctional am I? What does it feel like to not be depressed?

 The Greek prefix “dys” means, “ bad, difficult and painful”. My conclusion: if a word begins with “dys” I don’t want it!

Here it is, it’s July already. I’m not planning to do Christmas in July, but this year I’ve decided I need to redo my 2024 New Year’s resolutions.  I just got back from our annual June trip to Iowa. It seems appropriate to consider what direction I want the rest of the year to go. Lots of food for thought while I also stuffed myself with Iowa goodies.

I’m aiming to find my true north. The idiom “true north” refers to finding or proceeding on the correct course or in the right direction. I know that literally and metamorphically, my compass has been off this year. Some uncomfortable changes were forced on me, but I am solely to blame for the poor choices I made. Me, myself and I. Remember how those little wind up toys just took off on the tabletop, heading every which way and making random abrupt turns ..that’s me!

I get clarity when I go home to Iowa to visit my family, especially because my adult son comes along. He “sees” things differently from me so I am encouraged to let go of some of the expectations and resentments I carry. I can open my old eyes to see the beauty of Iowa and the beauty of the love in my family. So Resolution 3: Pay attention to the stories I tell myself and challenge myself to consider telling myself stories that bring connection with others and not isolation. I am not always right! I was wrong when I figured Lena’s and Ollie’s Food truck with “Norwegian brats” would suck. Who knew  lefse and brats go together quite well! Who knew that despite all the vast differences between my siblings and me, l can love each and every one. 

Resolution 2: Dont take it personally. I’m responsible for my own feelings and not everyone will think I am a goddess. People pleasing ends up pleasing no one. Judging and comparing myself with others leads to disconnection. In the unlikely event that someone disagrees with me I can listen, agree to disagree and let respect be the guiding principle. I’m not less than or more than. I’m realizing how judgmental I am. What an ego! I am one of many and it is enough to be good enough and not the best or impossibly perfect. It is true that the world does not revolve around me, and if it did it would have a very wonky orbit. 

I’ve been thinking about “niceness” and whether I am a “nice” person. I’m thinking of nice as “pleasant, polite and agreeable”.  I’ve decided my most important resolution, Resolution 1 is: Don’t be nice. Be kind, authentic and compassionate. None of these traits require that I always do what others think I should do. Being truthful with myself is critical. If there is uncomfortable silence after I’ve said something, it could mean I need to “Shut the f**k up.”, or it could mean I have just voiced a truth that others believe shouldn’t be talked about or want to stay in denial about. Did you just step on my toes, or am I wearing huge clown shoes or vice versa ? Is there really an elephant trampling around the room that only I can see, or am I the elephant?