Month: February 2026

Grief: a cause of deep sadness, Grieve, Breathe, Begin Again

My friend, Jeanne passed away this week. Though small in stature, she was a giant in presence.  I will miss her hugs and easy laugh.  I learned so much from her.  She gifted the world for 90 years and that was not long enough. I am grieving, but very grateful she was in my life.   

a Wrinkle

Death and loss is not a topic you or I like to think about. As if not talking about it means  it will magically not happen to us. A commercial for life insurance talks about death this way “ Let’s  assume that some day you won’t be watching TV anymore. “ —talk about  denial! I believe that aging is really a string of losses. My friends and family members pass away, my body looses its strength and mobility, and the number of years I have left are dwindling. I don’t know current slang, but I must say I love the word “ dwindling”: to become steadily less.  My life is dwindling is exactly right. I grieve many different kinds of losses. Grief is grief,  though it differs in intensity, duration, and lasting effects depending on the loss. I grieved the death of Roger, my late husband, while he was alive and suffering with the slow death of dementia, and after he died, and every day since then, including today. I grieved when my son left home and when I didn’t get the job I really wanted. It’s like my life is a Jenga tower and the older I get,  the more pieces are removed and the more likely it will all fall down. I’ve been shaped by the chisel of grief and transformed by grief, past tense and present tense. I hurt and I cry and I rage and I deny, but still losses keep on coming.

a Wonder

Despite all of the times that I thought I couldn’t  get thru “this” pain,  I’m still here. I’ve not been able to build a safe room against grief. Do I get better at grieving the more I experience it?  I think I’ve gotten better at acceptance. I don’t wrap myself in bubble wrap and deny that life has pain for myself and everyone.  No exceptions!  I can’t deny that life also brings joy and love. Endings and beginnings have cycled through my life. I can love another pet after I have lost a beloved pet. I’m not replacing one for the other because I have enough love to give and accept from another pet. In the middle of my grief at losing a furry member of my family, I’m sure I will never want to feel that  pain again, but I see another special dog or cat and know I’ve got to risk loving again. The joy outweighs the pain of loss. The biggest risk I’ve ever taken is to become a mother. Talk about signing up for the biggest risk of all! Loving so intensely brings immeasurable joy, but also immeasurable loss and pain. If I focus on all the losses I have had or will have I only feel grief, but that’s only half of life’s equation. I can also choose to focus on the good and joys in life. Gratitude is one of the tools I use to keep my focus on the good and the grace in life. My gratitude muscle has gotten stronger as I’ve gotten older. Grief is better when it is shared with friends, so I prioritize my friendships. I try to live keeping in mind the  reality that I will die. I make this reality the catalyst to keep my relationships healthy and to tell people I love them as often as I can. I don’t want to have unfinished business weighing on me. 

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #14

a Wrinkle

I was sitting here for awhile staring at the blinking cursor on my screen.  The blinking was harassing me and I capitulated, not because I have something to say, but because I had to make it stop. Now what? I guess I should figure out if I have anything to say and if there is anyone who will listen. At times I think, “I’m old, people don’t see me and who cares what I say.” What if I am invisible and irrelevant?  I fear I may be both. I don’t want to be the speaker at the “ bully pulpit.”,nor do I want to be submissive with my silence.  Congress has not called me in yet, but I’m waiting. I have never felt so strongly that I have something to say in all the spheres in my life: personally, socially, and politically. At the same time I know how my anger and frustration can lead to ranting. Just ask family members and friends! Ranting is not very effective,  I’m saying a lot of words, but my body language and tone of voice can distract from my message. I’ll get to rant level very quickly, so I try to slow myself down and pause before I speak, but if the red flag of Trump is waved in my face I charge  like a bull.  I swing from mute ( it doesn’t matter what I say,  to rage  (everything I say must be heard). My judgement regarding how, when and what to say is poor, but  not nearly as poor as many in the current administration. How I express myself is up to me and there are times when I lose my patience and border on the grouchy old lady who forgets “You can catch more flies with honey.” Assertive or aggressive? Remember when assertiveness training was the buzz word of day? I think I need some more  assertiveness training. I have  feelings and  words inside of me that I need to modulate before I share.  Ricocheting from emotion to emotion, I’m playing verbal pinball trying to keep the ball in play, but I always tilt or the ball quietly rolls down and out. 

a Wonder

The wonder is how I have gotten to my age without alienating everyone in the world or imploding!  Ironically, I think fewer situations get my ire up and I’m actually more mellow about things I used to think were worth getting upset about, but what does provoke me, positive or negative,  fosters more intense feelings. I love fiercely and hate fiercely, but I focus on fewer things and my attention is not scattershot and I’m still “Mama Bear” for those I love and the causes I support. The intensity of my feelings shocks me at times. When  I “crash out” it’s much better if I have people I love pull me back to earth. When I share my feelings I can get perspective and validation or get told to shut up and calm down, both are feedback I need. When I write, there’s a much better chance my words will be selected carefully,  but without the context of my tone of voice, facial expressions and body language I have to work extra hard to get my one dimensional words to send my message. Texting can be risky when the potential for mis-understanding mi words and context increases communication failures. If it’s very important to me its worth making a phone or video call. There are a few people I can talk to for hours and others short and sweet is much better. There are some people I don’t want to talk to and I give myself permission to  be in “silent” mode with them. Of course,  you better listen to what I say, because you will miss something important if you don’t. For sure!

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #14

a Wrinkle

I was sitting here for awhile staring at the blinking cursor on my screen.  The blinking was harassing me and I capitulated, not because I have something to say, but because I had to make it stop. Now what? I guess I should figure out if I have anything to say and if there is anyone who will listen. At times I think, “I’m old, people don’t see me and who cares what I say.” What if I am invisible and irrelevant?  I fear I may be both. I don’t want to be the speaker at the “ bully pulpit.”,nor do I want to be submissive with my silence.  Congress has not called me in yet, but I’m waiting. I have never felt so strongly that I have something to say in all the spheres in my life: personally, socially, and politically. At the same time I know how my anger and frustration can lead to ranting. Just ask family members and friends! Ranting is not very effective,  I’m saying a lot of words, but my body language and tone of voice can distract from my message. I’ll get to rant level very quickly, so I try to slow myself down and pause before I speak, but if the red flag of Trump is waved in my face I charge  like a bull.  I swing from mute ( it doesn’t matter what I say,  to rage  (everything I say must be heard). My judgement regarding how, when and what to say is poor, but  not nearly as poor as many in the current administration. How I express myself is up to me and there are times when I lose my patience and border on the grouchy old lady who forgets “You can catch more flies with honey.” Assertive or aggressive? Remember when assertiveness training was the buzz word of day? I think I need some more  assertiveness training. I have  feelings and  words inside of me that I need to modulate before I share.  Ricocheting from emotion to emotion, I’m playing verbal pinball trying to keep the ball in play, but I always tilt or the ball quietly rolls down and out. 

a Wonder

The wonder is how I have gotten to my age without alienating everyone in the world or imploding!  Ironically, I think fewer situations get my ire up and I’m actually more mellow about things I used to think were worth getting upset about, but what does provoke me, positive or negative,  fosters more intense feelings. I love fiercely and hate fiercely, but I focus on fewer things and my attention is not scattershot and I’m still “Mama Bear” for those I love and the causes I support. The intensity of my feelings shocks me at times. When  I “crash out” it’s much better if I have people I love pull me back to earth. When I share my feelings I can get perspective and validation or get told to shut up and calm down, both are feedback I need. When I write, there’s a much better chance my words will be selected carefully,  but without the context of my tone of voice, facial expressions and body language I have to work extra hard to get my one dimensional words to send my message. Texting can be risky when the potential for mis-understanding mi words and context increases communication failures. If it’s very important to me its worth making a phone or video call. There are a few people I can talk to for hours and others short and sweet is much better. There are some people I don’t want to talk to and I give myself permission to  be in “silent” mode with them. Of course,  you better listen to what I say, because you will miss something important if you don’t. For sure!

A Wrinkle and a Wonder a Week #13

a wrinkle

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”

If I am given the opportunity to gamble I will. Not the big stakes like craps or poker,  but I can play slots and sit in front of machines for hours trying to win my 20 bucks back.  I move on and the next person on that machine gets the jackpot! I don’t consider myself lucky and I can resent other people’s good “luck”.  As I get older, I  take stock of my life and sometimes I don’t see that  Lady Luck  has smiled on me. My default is believing when others win I lose. There is only so much luck and good outcomes available and I don’t have a seat at the table. Not a very flattering tell on myself. I too frequently operate from self-pity and resentment, and I suspect I may also have some projection going on! My Mom often said, “ Where there’s a will there’s a way.”, but I know that’s not always true when what we call “dumb luck” operates. When something is attributed to dumb luck, it means that “it happened completely by chance without being expected, planned, or deserved.” I get hung up on the “completely by chance” and “deserved” aspect.  I know I deserve it!  No matter how hard I work and plan, dumb luck can’t be ruled out. The randomness of life can not be willed away. This scares me and angers me. Dumb luck?  

a wonder 

Can I create my own luck? As Seneca said “ Luck is a matter of preparation.” This is true in a small way because if I don’t play and participate in the game, then I will not win the game.. How can I be in the right place at the right time if I never leave my house? The thing about luck though is it is all about by chance and randomness and that is not music to my control freak ears! Sometimes on my morning runs I would entertain myself with the fantasy that I won a million dollars in the lottery and how I would spend it. Nice fantasy,  but I didn’t quit my job.  So in most ways I am powerless over making my own luck.  if this is true, and I believe it is,  I really have only 2 choices: accept it or continue to  fight a reality I can not change. The later  guarantees failure, pain and resentment. Tallying others good luck is an exercise in resentment. I also remind myself that not getting  what I want can sometimes  be a very lucky thing if it was not good for me in the long run.  Luck  can be  hard to understand . Ironically telling someone to “ Break a leg” means you are actually wishing them good luck. I’ll just say “ Good luck.”