When something is almost impossible to find ( like that missing favorite earring) we say it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I know that feeling! The last few months I have been looking for my lost compass, and I’m starting to think I may even be looking in the wrong haystack. I need my compass to navigate! My intuition is on vacation in Mexico, and logical thinking is just too, too…logical. Which direction is my “true north”.
Change forced upon me or as a result of “non-decisions” has often brought me random chaos. Being spontaneous can be a good thing, but behaving like a runaway train is not. I’m lost in a forest of “shoulds” and the sun doesn’t reach the forest floor if I am people pleasing. So I need to know how to make a decision, but perhaps more importantly I need to get a clue about what my choices are. I don’t have an unlimited number of choices, but I also know I often limit my choices because of my “limiting” sense of unworthiness. Either or decisions could be broadened to include more than two choices. I could have chocolate, vanilla AND mint chip ice cream, but maybe not all on the same day. I could live in Colorado or Iowa or I could live in Colorado and Iowa, spending a part of the year in each state. I am considering the “and “ option seriously, but this does not mean that I believe I can have it all! What fun is it to be absolutely sure I am making the perfect decision? My experience is that there is no sure thing and life’s surprises may be way better than getting what I want.
Most of you probably remember the “Where’s Waldo” books. He was hidden on the page amid hundreds of other little figures. So maybe I can write my version of “Where’s Danita”. There’s Danita walking her dog Roscoe with her friend Larraine and her dog Hector. Theres Danita on the exercise recumbent bike at the Senior Center. There’s Danita at her favorite coffee shop writing, or reading or having marathon talks with her friends. There’s Danita at Elderhaus facilitating the caregiving group and gently promoting sharing from all members. So at this point in time I am choosing these activities and this is how I spend my day.
Whether I am aware of it or not, my life is just a series of choices and decisions. Over the years I have made many decisions about a million choices. Now I worry that some of those choices don’t fit anymore, and I need to make some changes and face more decisions. Meanwhile I lost Danita (myself) on the page of life. Because of years of therapy I am less concerned with “how” and “why” I got here or there. Starting from “now” the question is “where” do I want to be. I am talking about where I want to be geographically, emotionally and spiritually. So if you see me, point me in the direction of home. If you find my compass please return it, I am offering a reward .
2 thoughts on “A Needle in a Haystack”
Excellent D! Really speaks to me.
I have called off the search for now and living one day at a time…