Secrets and Confessions

Psst, can you keep secrets? You can’t tell anyone. Promise you won’t tell? Ok. Sometimes when I’m smiling, I put my smile on like a Mr. Potatohead piece. I reach in and pick a smile because I think a smile is what you expect to see. We both know that I shouldn’t be so sad, so I don’t share my grief with you. It’s two years since Roger died and I get tossed around, knocked off my feet with memories and sadness, but I keep my secrets to myself. You might not want to know about my grief and I am afraid you would tattle tale on me. I cry undercover.

Oh, I’m not done, I have more secrets. You promised you wouldn’t tell anybody and we even pinkie swore. Ok. I don’t want anybody to know how full of fear I am. A lot. My feet may be planted but I can be sprinting out of there in my head. What am I afraid of? Just about everything. What if I can’t do it, or you don’t like me, or I run out of money when I’m eighty? I try to keep my face as calm as I can and hope you can’t see the panic in my eyes. Of course I can handle it, whatever it is….yeah right.

Have I shared too much? There’s just so many secrets I’ve carried for years. I think a lot of people are stupid, and I may have thought you were stupid a time or two. Not very flattering to you or me. Is there a smirk in Mr. Potatohead’s bucket? Sometimes I don’t brush my teeth before I go to bed. I often use the same coffee cup for a week, I just rinse it out until it’s very brown. I talk to my dogs all the time. I would be mortified if my condo were bugged. My first confession was “I sassed my Mother 5 Times.” I wasn’t sorry but I had to come up with something for the priest, always trying to please any man. Speaking of men, I did things I deeply regret and I can’t tell you what I did because those are secrets I don’t want to share. You could twist my arm and I still wouldn’t tell you.

I’ve just scratched the surface of the window into my soul. My secrets have left a thick, stubborn layer of dust and grease on the window and the clean up is slow. Give me a break! I have lived and loved for 65 years and that’s a lot of secrets. I don’t think I need to share all my secrets, some secrets are best kept to myself. Delicious, juicy secrets are all mine. My best bud Susan and I went on a cruise together in October, you could ask her what secrets were revealed in our small state room, but I asked her not to tell!


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