I know exactly how you feel. Really? I’m not even sure “exactly” how I feel and even less sure that I know exactly how you feel. There is a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty in life and in our language. We try to quantify things and feelings: i.e “On a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level?”, “Um it’s at 20!” I don’t think there is such a thing as the pure truth. We give ourselves permission to acknowledge that most things are not black and white. We say that some thing or feeling is “kinda like” something else, or our opinion about something is: “ It’s not bad”, or we say “I’m o.k.” . What do these expressions really mean? Well it’s “sorta” like….”
I can skim a book and get a lot out of it, but I don’t really want to skim my life. I want to live my life as fully and deeply as I can, especially as I’m aging and can’t ignore my own mortality. If the best I can say about something is “It’s not bad.”, then I need to take a serous look at my choices. I want to be able to say “It’s great! or “I love it”. Who wants a cookie or a relationship that’s “not bad”. I ask myself “If not now, when? Time and money are the biggest limits I have,but they do not need to be a “Stop” sign or “Road Closed” sign. I tend to say“I can’t “when I can, but I don’t want to, or I’m afraid to. Getting to clarity about my own feelings is not easy, because I have to do much more than scratch the surface and I don’t want to. I can admit I’m angry, but maybe I’m beyond angry and under the surface I’m furious and full of rage. Skimming the surface of my feelings means I live my life in the shallows when a deep dive is what’s needed. After all, “I’m ok.” Right?
We all know that the answer to”How are you.?” is “I’m fine.” This oils the gears of social interactions and most of the time I don’t want to hear how you may be “not fine”. It’s a verbal ritual that keeps a lot of our interactions on a superficial, but pleasant level. On an intimate level, when I ask a loved one “How are you?” I expect a much more nuanced response than “I’m fine.” When I’m wanting to snowball my loved one I can pull out the “I’m fine.” response, even when we both know I’m upset and angry. I say “No” when I mean “Yes” and “Yes” when I mean “No”. This makes it impossible for myself and others to know exactly how I feel or at least in the ballpark. Clear as mud….
Newsflash! I’m not perfect and neither are you or the world! Pretending that everything is perfect is a smokescreen i.e. “ I’m so much more than fine, everything is perfect. I’m doing great. I’ve never been happier! Just check my social media!” I’m not going to explore my feelings or yours and I can avoid the whole reality thing if everything is perfect. My pain level may be at 20 on that 1-10 scale, but on the surface “ I’m fine.” Nobody, including myself, is fooled for long, so look below the surface. I thinks it’s ok to skim rocks, but I don’t want to skim my life. The water is so full of life beneath the surface.
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