Month: August 2026

Bears, lots of bears! Recently, Fort Collins has had many reports of bears in the city. A big black bear wondered thru my neighborhood several days  ago . A bear visited CSU campus on move- in day, he was expelled.  The proliferation of  surveillance cameras catches photogenic bears during the night as they stroll thru our neighborhoods. They’re hungry! Their food supply has dwindled in the high country because of the severe drought we are experiencing . I’d like to have a protective bubble surrounding me so I could watch their activities up close without fear of being attacked. I am mostly concerned about my doggies safety. And then there’s rattlesnakes and mountain Iions. I am both curious and afraid. 

This feeling of being both curious and afraid is familiar to me. I hold both of these feelings at the same time, and this means I have little clarity. I approach, think about it,  turn around and repeat.  This 2 step dance is exhausting.

Of course, I don’t think about playing with bears, but there are things I’d like to try but am too fearful. I even do one step forward and two steps back with my progression to a ripe old age.  I’m Ok with my wrinkles one day, and searching Amazon for Brazilian Bum Crème the next day. I want to learn to swim and I’m ready to sign up for an adult learn to swim class.  Then I think about being seen in a swim suit, and being very bad at it, and I dog paddle the other way!  I took Zumba for several years when I was younger and I liked it , but now I shake my bootie whether I want to or not, and I’m afraid I will look like a bowl of jello. I’m afraid to be the new person in almost any class, but especially in Beginning Line Dancing. I could cause a 20 person pileup. I just realized I’m doing a lot of “ Yes, but..” and the end result is often I just don’t try.

Remember in kindergarten we were paired up with the “buddy system” to help each other and the teacher maintain order. When we were facing uncertainity,   “Find your buddy, hold hands.”  was the direction we got.  Whenever I can, I try to find a buddy to support me when I am venturing into new unknown situations. I often ask my good friend to go to “complicated” Doctor appointments with me. She hears things that I miss and takes notes when the information is complicated. My buddy can provide moral support, if, and that’s a big if,  I ask for it and accept it. Maybe I can find someone in my friend circle to try something with me, but I have to ask. I resist asking for help so my excuses for not doing something may never see the light of day.  I tell myself I can do this by myself, but what exactly am I trying to accomplish?  I do need “ to get by with a little help from my friends.”

 So what about those bears? They are very scary and I should be afraid. So I  notify Colorado Wildlife and my neighbors of bear sightings. I don’t invite bears to feast on my garbage, and put the cans in my garage. I encourage my neighbors to do the same. I go with my doggies when I let them in the backyard and am vigilant about scanning the surrounding area. I do what I can, but the bears have their own agenda. I can go to the zoo to satisfy my curiosity about wild animals. I’ll bring a buddy when I go hiking, so in case of bear encounters I am not alone and isolated. Remember “Don’t feed the bears!” They are not friends with Yogi Bear!

What do you do all day? Explain yourself! Don’t retired people watch a lot of TV and complain and grumble all day? I do spend some time complaining and grumbling, after all my body is falling apart, but I spend even more time trying to justify my existence. I’m an older woman who wants to believe that I contribute to society and not just using up monetary and physical resources.  I know that funders are more likely to fund programs for children and young people than for the elderly. After all “beginnings” are more hopeful than “endings”. It’s better to be on your way up than to be on your way out.  

I’m not helpless or hopeless, but some days it’s hard to know how I fit into society and what my role is. I have a little sign above my craft table that says” I make a difference in this world.”  On difficult days it actually feels more like “ I make no difference in the world.” I’m here and I figure there’s a reason why I’m here.  The most significant thing I have done is give birth to my son.  The world is better because he is part of it. I will always be his mother,  but now he’s a grown man who takes care of himself. I was my husband’s wife and became his caregiver when he became a victim of Lewy Body Dementia and passed away. I had a job then, I was his caregiver and it was the hardest job I’ve ever had. When he died I was no longer a “saint”, that selfless caregiver I wanted to be. 

I was so tired, and suddenly faced with plain old me who now had all of this time to fill. The “before” caregiving me was not the “after” caregiving me.  I had to assimilate my experiences as a caregiver and see what was useful to me  and then create a new life.   I clearly had a purpose as a caregiver and since then  I have struggled to define my contributions to the world.  

It is easier to know what I am not, than what I am. Part of my motivation in starting this blog was to give voice to my many questions about what it means  to be me. I love to hear stories about how people lives were profoundly changed because of a brief or chance encounter with someone who said or did the right thing in that moment. The encounter changed their mind and sent them onto a new life path. I want to be that person who can positively impact another’s life. My words, my smiles or my hugs could be just what others need to feel comforted or inspired. I’ll probably never know if I am a catalyst for positive change, but I aspire to be. 

I have fire and passion, and when I harness this energy, I have my words to say what I need to say and what I, and others need to hear. Maybe a line in my blog touched someone, or validated a feeling they had. I could be a microphone for someone that feels the way I do, but doesn’t know how to express their feelings.  Being a helper is in my genes, but being a leader is something I can continue to grow into. My productivity and contributions to the world center on the words I produce, and whether I whisper them or scream them, I hope you can hear me. 

I know exactly how you feel. Really? I’m not even sure “exactly” how I feel and even less sure that I know exactly how you feel. There is a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty in life and in our language. We try to quantify things and feelings: i.e “On a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level?”, “Um it’s at 20!” I don’t think there is such a thing as the pure truth. We give ourselves permission to acknowledge that most things are not black and white. We say that some thing or feeling is “kinda like” something else, or our opinion about something is: “ It’s not bad”,   or we say “I’m o.k.” . What do these expressions really mean? Well it’s “sorta” like….”

I can skim a book and get a lot out of it, but I don’t really want to skim my life. I want to live my life as fully and deeply as I can, especially as I’m aging and can’t ignore my own mortality. If the best I can say about something is “It’s not  bad.”, then I need to take a serous look at my choices. I want to be able to say  “It’s great! or “I love it”. Who wants a cookie or a relationship that’s “not bad”. I ask myself “If not now, when? Time and money are the biggest limits I have,but they do not need to be a “Stop” sign or “Road Closed” sign. I tend to say“I can’t “when I can,  but I don’t want to, or I’m afraid to. Getting to clarity about my own feelings is not easy, because I have to do much more than scratch the surface and I don’t want to. I can admit I’m angry, but maybe I’m beyond angry and under the surface I’m furious and full of rage. Skimming the surface of my feelings means I live my life in the shallows when a deep dive is what’s needed. After all, “I’m ok.” Right?

We all know that the answer to”How are you.?” is “I’m fine.” This oils the gears of social interactions and most of the time I don’t want to hear how you may be  “not fine”. It’s a verbal ritual that keeps a lot of our interactions on a superficial, but pleasant level. On an intimate level, when I ask a loved one “How are you?” I expect a much more nuanced response than “I’m fine.” When I’m wanting to snowball my loved one I can pull out the “I’m fine.” response, even when we both know I’m upset and angry. I say “No” when I mean “Yes” and “Yes” when I mean “No”. This makes it impossible for myself and others to know exactly how I feel or at least in the ballpark. Clear as mud….

Newsflash! I’m not perfect and neither are you or the world! Pretending that everything is perfect is a smokescreen i.e. “ I’m so much more than fine, everything is perfect. I’m doing great. I’ve never been happier! Just check my social media!”  I’m not going to explore my feelings or yours and I can avoid the whole reality thing if everything is perfect.  My pain level may be at 20 on that 1-10 scale, but on the surface “ I’m fine.” Nobody, including myself,  is fooled for long, so look below the surface. I thinks it’s ok to skim rocks,  but I don’t want to skim my life. The water is so full of life beneath the surface.