A Value Judgement

What do you do all day? Explain yourself! Don’t retired people watch a lot of TV and complain and grumble all day? I do spend some time complaining and grumbling, after all my body is falling apart, but I spend even more time trying to justify my existence. I’m an older woman who wants to believe that I contribute to society and not just using up monetary and physical resources.  I know that funders are more likely to fund programs for children and young people than for the elderly. After all “beginnings” are more hopeful than “endings”. It’s better to be on your way up than to be on your way out.  

I’m not helpless or hopeless, but some days it’s hard to know how I fit into society and what my role is. I have a little sign above my craft table that says” I make a difference in this world.”  On difficult days it actually feels more like “ I make no difference in the world.” I’m here and I figure there’s a reason why I’m here.  The most significant thing I have done is give birth to my son.  The world is better because he is part of it. I will always be his mother,  but now he’s a grown man who takes care of himself. I was my husband’s wife and became his caregiver when he became a victim of Lewy Body Dementia and passed away. I had a job then, I was his caregiver and it was the hardest job I’ve ever had. When he died I was no longer a “saint”, that selfless caregiver I wanted to be. 

I was so tired, and suddenly faced with plain old me who now had all of this time to fill. The “before” caregiving me was not the “after” caregiving me.  I had to assimilate my experiences as a caregiver and see what was useful to me  and then create a new life.   I clearly had a purpose as a caregiver and since then  I have struggled to define my contributions to the world.  

It is easier to know what I am not, than what I am. Part of my motivation in starting this blog was to give voice to my many questions about what it means  to be me. I love to hear stories about how people lives were profoundly changed because of a brief or chance encounter with someone who said or did the right thing in that moment. The encounter changed their mind and sent them onto a new life path. I want to be that person who can positively impact another’s life. My words, my smiles or my hugs could be just what others need to feel comforted or inspired. I’ll probably never know if I am a catalyst for positive change, but I aspire to be. 

I have fire and passion, and when I harness this energy, I have my words to say what I need to say and what I, and others need to hear. Maybe a line in my blog touched someone, or validated a feeling they had. I could be a microphone for someone that feels the way I do, but doesn’t know how to express their feelings.  Being a helper is in my genes, but being a leader is something I can continue to grow into. My productivity and contributions to the world center on the words I produce, and whether I whisper them or scream them, I hope you can hear me.